today's post

11/22/11

Dear Diary,

I learned a valuable lesson today.  I woke up thinking I knew more about life than other people because I have a higher degree than them and I know how to save a dying man.  I go to bed knowing, I’m still just a dumb kid who has a lot of growing up to do.  

Oh, pardon me.  I sometimes go a little crazy and think I’m Doogie Howser, MD.  It must be the lack of cable and internet.

So, day 3 in Hallandale.  We tried to go to a different coffee shop today.  We looked up coffee shops in the trusty iphone, and a place called Mia Cafe came up.  Sounds charming.  I yelped it, and there were good reviews - as in good coffee.  So, we went there today.  It’s this little Italian cafe next to a gas station.  The owner is kind of intimidating.  When he looked at us, imploring what we wanted to drink, I felt nervous.  

So, I asked him for the wifi password.  He didn’t want to give it to me.  Finally, he did, but he said, don’t share it with anyone.  As if.  It didn’t work.  I don’t know if he purposely gave me the wrong password or if he gave me an old one.  Anyway, I was totally too chicken to ask him again since he didn’t want to give it to me in the first place.  

So, we went to Whole Foods and sat inside at the tables.  We looked up some houses that I had searched the internets last night.  So we looked at them.  2 out of 3 were worth looking into.  The third was a dump of a foreclosure.  One of the 2 we liked didn’t have a for sale sign out front, and the guy who lived there came out and stood on his porch staring us down, so we got out of there fast.  

We’ve been waiting for our relocube, which has more stuff that we can comfortably fit in the apartment, but we’ve got to find a way to make it fit somehow.  I was told it’s coming before 4... but it is 3:39 right now.  The driver is supposed to call me when he’s on his way, so I’m doubtful.  I just hope it doesn’t show up after dark!  Although they probably stop dropping off around 5.  Not that I don’t trust the neighbors, I don’t trust the neighborhood.  

Anyway...here we are.  In Hallandale.  Crappy temporary apartment.  No jobs.  Do I feel guilty?  Yes.  Do I feel like if anything bad happens or if anything doesn’t work out it’s all my fault?  Yes.  At this point, it’s not quite the fun adventure.  But I know things will change.  All we can do is make the best of it.  I’m horrible at that - making the best of things.  But, the FP is not exactly very thrilled right now to be here, so I have to try to stay positive and not let all this guilt weigh me down.  I know we are resourceful enough and energetic enough to make things happen for us.  It’s just that, maybe I need to have everything be okay right now, and it’s not.  But we’ve been here 51 hours.  That’s it.  It took us a while to find our way and our place in Boston, New Orleans and San Diego.  Why should I expect to land anywhere else and have everything exactly the way I want it right off the bat?  Because I get anxious and self doubting and guilty very easily.  Do I regret leaving, even though I know the FP is not happy to be here?  No, I don’t.  Could we have done things differently?  Sure, we could have.  But this is how things are.  Me sitting in our sad apartment waiting for all our things that we don’t need.