Three years ago

Three years ago today, sometime around lunch time, my mom passed away.  She spent a month in the hospital, mostly in ICU, after a stroke with hemorrhaging that wouldn't stop, before finally passing away.

That month was the most difficult time in my life.  I wanted her to fight for her life.  But I felt like I wasn't there enough for her.  I'm not a good cheerleader.  Maybe it was too much for her to look into my eyes and see the sadness and worry that I could not hide.  Maybe she was just tired from her long life of taking care of others.  Maybe it was just biology.

I'm tired today.  Mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Trying to grow a business organically when you don't have many connections is tough.  Trying to muster that enthusiasm and optimism you need to continue every day is difficult.  I feel it's even more difficult without my mom, my personal cheerleader, to spur me on.

I didn't cry much for a while after Katrina.  There was something in me that turned off after that life changing event.

I cried all the time after my mom died.  I don't cry as much anymore, but I still tear up more often than I like to admit.  Sometimes, I can be having a rough day and think about how I wish I could call my mom, or I recall a moment with my mom, and I tear up.  When I am alone and watching really bad sad movies, I cry.  I cry as much for the lost time with my mom when she was alive, as for the loss of her life.  The last few years she was alive, not only was I far away by miles, but also by involvement in her life.  At the funeral, there were so many unfamiliar faces.  Some of those people knew more about my mom and her life after retirement than I did.

My mom's passing away is such a personal thing.  I feel like everyone who knew and loved her has their own way of dealing with her death, their own memories and stories.  To be in a room full of her loved ones and to hear stories, a stranger would think she was a fictional character.  But she was real.

She wasn't perfect, but she could be selfless to a fault. Even with the little things.  I remember she loved coffee ice cream.  When I was a kid, we would usually buy a couple different flavors of ice cream.  I would eat the flavor I chose in no time.  Then we would be left with the coffee ice cream.  I didn't like it as much as she did, but I would usually eat most of it, not leaving much for her.  I know I was a kid, but when I look bad on things like that, I feel like there were too many times when I didn't appreciate my mom enough when she was alive, and reciprocate the selflessness that she showed me.

Mother's Day has passed, but every day, I think of my mom.  But for today, I will think of her only with good feelings and only remember the positive.  I think that is what she would want from me.  And for me to pray.

These are the last pictures I have with her.

So this song has been the theme of today even more than others.  I don't know of one really productive thing that I did today - although I tried as I could.  Anyway, here are three different yet still all beautiful versions of this song by Tame Impala.  Love it!!!

Irony

Irony is:

A freshly pressed shirt on a crumpled shell of a man

Cleaning up an old hollow dead rat carcass while Modest Mouse is playing on Pandora.

Missing the FP even though I spend 22 hours a day with him every day.





My lungs are full of paint, as is my brain and blood stream. Do you think they are coated in silver paint?

Youtube revealed

So... I think this poor old blog is falling by the wayside.  I don't really think it's important to be semi-anonymous anymore.

So, with that, I am going to share my youtube username so you can watch all our videos:  music, cooking, cats, dog, etc.... For those of you who have never seen any of this shit - beware-  some of it is a little risque.  Also, you might consider wearing a diaper if you sometimes tinkle when you laugh real hard....

perfectbleu


Enjoy!

Look! A post!

Ok, so it's just a video of the cats eating... but I felt the need to post something!  If you have feline friends, this is the best canned wet cat food ever.  Ok, I'm a little biased because my dead soul cat was named Tiki.... 

Oh, and please ignore the mess on the kitchen table... I just cleaned it off a few days ago, but it just piles up!

Off to clean the table now....

something to ponder

When life fucks you in the ass, do you fight it, or do you just take it, relax and try to learn to enjoy it?

Tree Stand Follies

So, as is customary for me, I have such big plans for the holidays, but then other elements of life get in the way.

And here I was three days before Christmas, trying to get in the holiday spirit, finally.

Actually, it started with last night, when I was frantically combing the entire tiny house.  I was looking for the Christmas tree stand.  I was thinking of going to get a tree last night, but I never found the stand.  We had packed that stand in San Diego and brought it here to Florida.  I remember the debate about it.  How we might want a tree a month later, since we moved in November.  And, it didn't take up all that much room in the cube.

So, there I was, searching all over.  I couldn't find the damn thing.  And they aren't that cheap either.  Which is why I wanted to keep it.  Is it possible that we brought it all the way here to our crappy apartment, and then when we moved into the house, we decided not to keep it?  That just doesn't sound like me....

So, I woke up early this morning and went straight to Home Depot across Sheridan to beat the traffic and get a tree.  When I got there, Home Depot was open.  But the tree lot was all chained up.  There were a bunch of dried out brown looking trees all thrown in the back of the lot.  I guess I could have asked if they were bringing more trees in, but it looked doubtful.

So, I went to Kmart across the street to look for a tree stand.  They only had fake trees, so, they didn't have live tree stands.  Then I went back across the street to Big Lots.  Lots of Christmas crap that they were consolidating, but no tree stand.  Then I went back across the street to go to Office Max and get planners for 2013, since the whole Mayan apocalypse thing didn't pan out.  But Office Max was closed, because I forgot it was still early.

So, I figured I would just drive down Stirling and maybe find a Christmas Tree tent.  I didn't.  So I had to drive all the way over to the other Home Depot.  They had a ton of trees, so I bought this little 6 footer.  But they were all out of stands.  Really?  Really!  The guy told me there was a shortage and it was easier to find a tree than a stand.  Why though, why?

Oh, and I wasn't thinking, so I don't know if I was allowed to tip him, but I didn't.  I hope I wasn't supposed to, because, then I feel like an asshole.  Even though if I thought about it, I would have tried anyway.  But I didn't, and I suck.

So, I went across the street to Target, even though I knew they wouldn't have a stand.  And they didn't.

So, I drove all the way south to Walmart.  No live trees.  Lots of fake trees.  There was this amazing little purple lighted tree.  If I knew what the price was, and it was cheap, and there were boxes of them readily available, I would have bought one.  I still might go after Christmas to see if I can get one!

But anyway, they didn't have a live tree stand.

I was contemplating how I could turn our empty planter into a tree stand.  I thought it might involve putting holes in it and finding big screws to hold the tree in place.  That sounded like too much work.  But I thought I might have to.

So, I was driving home on 441, when I saw a Christmas tree tent.  With a bunch of stands!  So, I pulled over.  I asked this slow old man how much they were.  The big one was like $30, the medium was $25, and the small was $20.  I asked for the small one.  Apparently, the only small one left was holding a small tree up and he proceeded to take the tree out.  When I saw that, I told him I would take the medium one.  I think that was just a scam, but it worked.  He told me the medium one was sturdier and would last longer anyway, maybe 5 or 6 years.  But I couldn't even keep one for one year!

So, I got my damn stand.  So, I raced home and put the tree in the stand and filled it with water.  And Rudy drank from the water, of course.  But now, ten hours later, the tree still isn't fluffed out.  The branches are still at a 45 degree angle.

But anyway, the FP put what lights we had in the house on the teeny tree.  And it looks so cute.  I won't post a picture though, until we finish putting the ornaments on it.  So hopefully tomorrow.

Here's to a happy ending.... LOL!!!