No Offense But,

I love those three words.  It's like saying, "I'm sorry this is what I think of you...."  Is there any way you could start a sentence off with "no offense but" and not offend someone?  Let's explore this deeper.

No offense but, your derriere is unattractive.

No offense but, your shoes don't match your ugly dress.

No offense, but your makeup is trampy.

No offense, but that shirt accentuates your man boobs and love handles.

No offense, but your wife is a bitch.

No offense, but I hate you.

No offense, but this conversation does not interest me at all.

No offense, but I don't agree with your point of view and I think you are misinformed because you watch Fox News entirely too much.

No offense, but I think your mom drank and smoked when you were in the womb.

No offense, but your blog is not funny whatsoever.

No offense, but you are a terrible friend and all my friends want me to unfriend you.

No offense, but you were a horrible dad.

No offense, but I never talk to you because it's irritating to listen to you go on about stuff, and I know that anything I say will be twisted and used against me later on.

No offense, but you have no business being in the business you are in.

No offense, but you think you are such a foodie, but you're really just a pretentious asshole.

No offense, but your beats are boring, the sound quality sucks, you don't know how to EQ music, and I can't decipher your words that you're so passionately rapping.

No offense, but I don't see what all the fuss is about your hair that it's on the news all the time.

No offense, but I know you were a great quarterback in college and you are probably a nice guy and you love god, but it irritates me when they talk about you on TV.

No offense, but your new TV show sucks, and I've lost some respect for you, no matter how much they are paying you.

No offense, but your new TV show doesn't seem as funny as it should be, and I think it's mainly because you don't know how to act.

No offense, but you're not as fun to pet as the other cat because you try to bite and scratch me.

No offense, but I don't want to eat at your restaurant because it's too american.

No offense, but I don't want to eat at your restaurant because it's so focused on local organic sustainable that I don't taste the soul in your cooking.

No offense, but sometimes I don't feel like having a local beer.

No offense, but I'm not that interested in Comic Con.  I mean I'd go if someone gave me a free ticket.

No offense, but your family gives me a major headache and they make me need to drink a lot.

No offense, but you seem like a selfish cold heartless person, it's surprising that you like blues.

No offense, but you dress like you shop at Wal-Mart.

No offense, but I don't see what the big fuss is over your cat.  All she does is run away and hide.

No offense, but your dog really is not pretty or sweet, just ugly and slobbery with bad breath and he's always trying to hump everyone.

No offense, but I don't like the Christmas sweater you knitted for me and I'll never wear it.

No offense, but I don't believe in adultery and blow jobs do not equal love.

No offense, but I don't respect you at all or your opinions, in fact you don't exist to me at all.

No offense, but your blog is entirely too long.

No offense, but your farts smell like shit.  (There I found one that isn't offensive!)