Fortify

So, I'll be honest.  Okay, that's not anything new here.  I don't really crave alcohol lately, since I stopped working.  But I felt like I really needed it tonight.  The FP woke up on the wrong side of the planet today at 5 am or whatever unholy time he woke up.  He probably wakes up that early because it's his only alone time.  I do try to go to Target or grocery shopping once or twice a week, but frankly, I think spending a 4 day weekend with me was too much.  But I thought overall it was a great weekend!  I don't think most people would be able to spend that much time with me.  I'm a rotten person, and I don't take showers frequently enough.  So, I don't blame him.  But it was rough.  I wished we had two cars today.  Sure, I could have walked somewhere or taken the bus.  But I was exhausted, mostly emotionally.

The vet called this morning, and we played phone tag all day.  Wouldn't you know it, the blood work came back pretty much inconclusive.  It didn't look like hyperthyroidism to the vet, so she was recommending x rays and an ultrasound.  For my cat.  So, I asked how much this would cost, and she gave me the phone numbers of vet cardiologists so I could find out.  So, the vet we use can do the x ray for $145.  The first place I called is in Mission Valley and they charge $138 for the consult, $197 for the x ray and $394 for the ultrasound.  This is money that I would balk at for myself.  But I love my cat!  So the other cardiologist is in Sorrento Valley.  Much farther.  But, they quoted the consult for $110 and the ultrasound for $360.  The receptionist told me that the doctor would probably want to do an ultrasound first, and only an x ray after if necessary.  So, that's cheaper, but farther away.  So, do I go with the closer one that charges more and might needlessly radiate my cat?  Or do I pick the farther away clinic that's cheaper and may not do an x ray.  I'll probably pick the far one.  Because who knows how much more this is gonna cost after the tests.

So, after a moderately deep cleaning session of neglected parts of the apartment, I went to the store to get stuff for dinner and a $7 bottle of vino.  And I'm going to see how much of it I can drink.

(So here is an older video of Stinksy, the cat with the heart murmur.

So what do you think, should I shell out the mula?)

And then I need to call the pet cardiologist tomorrow and make an appointment.  I'm not going to get out of this town without spending a fortune.  On necessary stuff.  It's no fun to spend money on that stuff.  And yes, this bottle of wine falls under the category of necessary stuff.

So, I was on the computer late last night, trying to kill time until I was tired.  I have been reading in bed lately, but individual ants crawl on me in bed, so I have to be tired now when I go to sleep.  That way if they crawl on me I won't feel it.  I did clean around the bed and spray that nontoxic ant cleaner around the bed, but I don't think it will work.

Anyhoo, as I was saying, I was on the computer, and my friend from my, um, hometown, im'ed me on facebook.  We had this deep conversation about our separate upbringings - me with my BPD dad, and her with her alcoholic parents.  Our conversation was about finding out what it was we were growing up with, knowing that it was not so unique and almost feeling ambivalent about it.  Well, that's how I feel.  Anyway, it's funny how you (or me, or one) can have these old friends, and you can never see them, never talk to them on the phone, never even email them, every once in a while reply to their post on facebook, and it's just like talking to the person you knew back when.  Hopefully a more mature version, but still the same person.  It was good to have a back and forth conversation, rather than a back......and forth..................and back again.....and forth.  You know, like with emails.

This is interesting, because I'm not drinking fast, but I already feel warm presumably from the wine.  Although this apartment is stuffy.  I can't wait to live in a place with good fresh clean central air conditioning.  The vet thought that The Fuzz's seasonal itchies were probably allergic reactions to pollen or something.  So, I think she will appreciate and new climate and filtered air.  Not the drive though.  She will hate the drive and she will hate us.

I just noticed that I had headphones on and the speakers on and the music never started playing.... and then when I started the music, the speakers weren't connected to the computer.  LMAO

This music isn't quite right for my frame of mind.  I daydreamed today about killing myself.  I thought, I could just end it, and the FP could move or not move.  He could do whatever he wanted, which he probably feels like he doesn't get to do all the time.  Most people don't.  But he could if I died.  And the cats would probably become extra clingy to him, which would be nice for him.

I'm sorry.  I just feel like a useless being, with an oversized carbon footprint.  It took a dumb TV show for it to dawn on me that I should recycle all that junk mail rather than toss it in the trash.  I've been losing IQ points ever since... I graduated from FSU.  Sad, but true.

Okay, I'm at the point where I'm buzzing and making lots of comments on facebook.  Help me!  Stop me.  Oh wait, by the time you read this, the material contained herein will be out of date.  Never mind.

So, how to end this sloppy, fragmented, so not amusing blog entry?  Let's dig up more pictures of my expensive cat.  He bites.

    Cutest American Shorthair I've ever seen!