Who Farted?

So, for those of you who don't know me and have never read this blog before (I feel like I've prefaced a couple of blog entries with that statement)  I am what one might term negative.  I have a nasty attitude and every little mishap that happens to me - the kind of stuff that happens to everyone - is the end of the world and an atrocity to mankind.  Like this little hurricane so many years ago named "Katrina".  Oh, if you haven't heard my story, you're lucky.  Because if I tell it to you, it will be way too detailed, and you'll feel the need to interject an "Oh my god" or "I can't believe you had to live through that"  or such at certain times.  I mean, honestly, it was much worse for so many more people than me...like... say the people who died, or that man whose wife was torn from him as they were trying to hang on for dear life on top of their roof.

Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about... me.  Oh yeah, that's what this fucking blog is about.  A one way conversation, or a monologue.

So, my pessimism even infiltrates my sense of smell.  So, I have a horribly shitty sense of smell.  Which is funny, because I am a cook.  It really helps a lot to have a good sense of smell in the business.  The funny thing is, I can smell very sharp gross smells very acutely.  Like, if someone burps, the only smell I will probably pick out is garlic.  I realize it is a very strong smell, but, I won't smell the sweetness or the meatiness, or the true depth of the burp.  So, I can't truly appreciate the full bouquet of the burp.

So, tonight, we went to see a friend's band play in LA.  So at the venue, there was a fairly large patio area.  When people started showing up, they all flocked to the patio.  These girls behind us were having a normal conversation.  Then some guy they knew showed up, and he was facing them, ass towards us.  About 5 minutes after he showed up, a very powerful, sharp, shit smelling... smell acosted my nose.  So, do you think the guy was hoping the girls wouldn't smell it?  Or that there were enough people around that they wouldn't assume he dealt it?  Or maybe he just didn't think it was going to smell so bad?

I remember when the movie Kingpin first came out.  We went to see it at the movie theater.  We went to one of those multiplexes, and we ended up in this tiny theater.  The air was like broken or something.  It was hot.  And stuffy.  And someone kept farting.  Throughout the whole damn movie.  Which, admittedly adds to the humor of the movie.  But this guy sitting next to me kept giving me sidelong dirty looks.  But I swear I didn't do it.