My Biggest Fear

was damn near close to being realized today!!!!!!!!

I can't tell you how awful it was.

Oh, wait, yes I can.  But I'm warning you, if you are squeamish, you better leave this blog and go to the cute overload blog or something else nicer....

So, let me give you some back story.  A while ago, I was constipated.  I mean, I hadn't gone poo poo for a week or so.  Ok, I might have pushed out a couple miniscule little tootsie midgees that stank really bad, but nothing substantial enough to write home about, "Dear Papa, I finally had a big humongous poo!"

Anyway, I started making sure I was taking my probiotics every single night.  After a few days, I started waking up and having to #2 before the coffee was even finished brewing.  So that was good.

But maybe I need to curb it on the probiotics now.  Sometimes my stomach burns, and I feel like I have to poo but I don't.

So, anyway, on to today.  I am pretty much usually the first one at work every day.  Sometimes the dishwasher is on the patio, talking on his phone, waiting for me.  But lately, I seem to be the first.  As I was today.  So, I keep my key in my wallet.  We take a different keychain depending on which car we are taking, so I don't like to keep the key on a chain in case I forget to transfer it to another chain.

So, I took out the key.  And I tried it in the back door.  (LOL)  It didn't work.  I did have trouble the other day too, so I wasn't too surprised.  I tried some more, and the key would turn, but it wouldn't click the lock open.

So, even though the key doesn't usually work as well for the kitchen door, I tried it anyway.  It didn't work.  I tried the other door again.  No go.  I never even thought to try the front door.  I don't know if that's the same key or not.

I took out my work shirt from my bag, and used it to help turn the key, as the key was starting to cut into my finger because I was trying to turn it so hard.

This went on for a long time.  Then my stomach started to burn.  Then my.... pooper started to burn too.  This was not right, because I had already dropped the kids off at the pool first thing in the morning.  No one else had showed up, so I couldn't even get someone else to try the key.  I didn't know if anyone else would even have their own key.

And boy did my pooper start sending out the red flag!!!  I guess the coffee had just raced through my digestive tract, and it wanted out.  Now!!!

I was thinking about whether or not I would have to call one of my bosses and tell them I couldn't open the door.

But I needed to get to the bathroom soon!  I thought that I might have to go to McDonald's and use their disgusting facilities - even though Burger King would be more appropriate because that's where the FP always used to go drop logs.

I was seriously worried.  And I chided myself for not always packing extra underwear and pants.  But I couldn't let it get that far!

I had to open the door!!!

Finally, somehow, the key turned in the kitchen door lock.

Oh Joy!!!  I had to bumble my way through the restaurant, turning on the lights to get all the way to the ladies powder room.

I made it.  And let me tell you, that wasn't a lady's poo.  And neither was the smell.

And I was so glad that no one got there for another ten minutes, time for the smell to disperse.