Technology Sick

So, I'm not exactly sure how many people read this blog. The stats say I get an average of...7 views a day. I'm guessing that probably 4 out of 7 of you have a smartphone - 3 of them being iphones. Those 4 of you probably have your phone at easy access at least 90% of your waking day. The other 3, more like 80%, depending on your career, family, etc.

How many of you smartyphonepants scroll through facebook when you are waiting for your order at a restaurant? Or, you at least look at your phone every time you get a notification? How many of you can say you look at your phone about 3 times an hour?

I do not have a smart phone, so I can say my phone is not glued to the palm of my hand. (Remember palm pilots?) I do have a phone with a slide out keyboard for easy text messaging, though. I have this simple tween phone that has limited memory and basic internet access. It's good for when I'm somewhere bored or killing time waiting for something and I can kind of go on facebook or check my email. Forget about trying to use it for directions, though.

I get tired watching the FP fish his iphone out of his pants every time someone calls or texts him. He has to whip it out right then to see what's up. This is really annoying to me when he's driving. It's pretty much illegal to just look at your cellphone without a hands free device while driving here in Cali, even though I still always see people merging slowly and unsteadily onto the Interstate while talking on their phone. I know that the FP refrains from answering the phone and tries not to read texts when I am in the passenger seat, but I'm sure he's more liberal with using the phone in the car when I'm not present.

For me, the laptop computer is my technological instrument of choice. I do find myself gravitating towards the computer up to 10 times a day, many of those times for several hours, some for just a minute. Having a new faster computer has definitely cut my TV watching time by a third. Well, I don't know if you want to count when I am on the computer and the TV is on as both computer time and TV time.

However, as much as I value this computer, I still feel ill when I sit down in front of it and open a Safari browser to realize I have no reason to be on the computer. Surely there is something else I could be doing with my time. But, it's like a tic. Like you smartyphonepants people with your smartyphones.

And I'm not really going to go too much into the whole tablet, ipad thing. I get them. They are really cool. I would love to be a newscaster so I could use one to aid me in my reporting of the news. But, you people who have an iphone, an ipad and a macbook, and you carry them all around together, how do you decided when to use which device? (Okay, maybe I will delve into the ipad thing a little.) I mean, it seems like it would reduce your iphone to just a phone - because for other iphone utilities, you would want to use your ipad, and I guess the macbook would only be pulled out for heavy duty computing jobs, long emails, document creation, porn. I don't know, maybe the ipad is just as effective for porn. But do you really need to tote around all three? I mean, I guess if I had all three maybe I would carry them all around because they would be three of my most valuable possessions that are portable. But I don't want an iphone because the monthly usage is expensive, and I don't feel like I need an ipad and a laptop. I guess if someone gave me an ipad I'd take it, but I don't think there is any other circumstance in which I would get one. I guess if I won the lottery. If I won the lottery I would probably buy and ipad.

Whenever there's a natural disaster like Irene, it's big news how the power went out and people had to deal with no communications and no traditional form of entertainment. TV and video games are now traditional forms of entertainment. Reading a paperback or hardback book, having an in person conversation without a phone in your hand, playing an acoustic guitar that isn't wirelessly connected to a video game are quickly becoming nontraditional forms of entertainment.

I'm not really the camping type, but it sure sounds nice to go out into some remote area where there is no 3G, 4G, GPS, Onstar or wifi signal and just be there for a couple days. But without the signal, how the hell would we figure out how to get there and how to get back out? And once we got there, what would we do? Look at nature? Would it be as vivid as the documentaries of nature are on my flatscreen TV? And how would I share this experience with people if I couldn't click a picture on the FP's iphone and post it on facebook? And if someone couldn't get a hold of me, would the world stop spinning on it's axis? If I were in some remote area for a couple of days, surely some emergency would come up, Les Stroud style, and how would I be able to survive that? I think I would die of dehydration in 2 days, starvation in 4.

Do you even remember the days before cellphones? Some people in the world are not old enough to remember this time. These people must watch Seinfeld and think, that's not funny, all he would have to do is call and text her and the problem would be solved. You know, there's something to be said about that time, and respecting others' privacy, space, and down time. I mean, as far as most jobs go, if the boss calls and you don't answer and call back within half an hour, it's a big deal and you will be questioned as to why you did not pick up the phone. People are expected to have their phone on the table next to them or in their pocket, ringer on, vibrator on. What if you got in trouble for not answering the phone when your boss called? Would you say "I'm sorry, I was in the middle of some hot and heavy tantric sex that lasted for hours and I couldn't hear the phone over our screams of ecstasy?" I mean, is that appropriate, or are you supposed to have the ringer turned up even louder for such occasion?

It's funny because it's harder to just avoid people. You know, you have the buddy who is always on his iphone. You call him or text him to go for a drink, or to help you with a flat tire or whatever. He doesn't answer, doesn't respond, you don't hear from him for days. And you're pissed. You know he saw your message and didn't have the courtesy to respond. In this time of technology overload, are we now required to explain every time we ignore someone's call?

What's also funny is how one friend, Gordy, holds a long standing grudge against another friend, Sandy, for such an incident. Gordy was walking or biking down a street, and he saw Sandy across the street ahead of him. Gordy called Sandy (they both have iphones), and he watched Sandy pull out his iphone, look at the incoming call, and hit decline. Gordy never forgave Sandy, but he never told him what happened either. This is a little funny to me, because whenever the FP used to text Gordy and ask him to go to the Bluefoot for drinks after they had planned it ahead of time, Gordy would often not respond at all. At all. And Gordy was the first of our local friends to get an iphone, way back when. And we knew he always had it with him, and he was always using it. So, he couldn't possibly have the excuse that he didn't see the message. So, what would the excuse be? And why was it okay for Gordy to not respond to the FP, but get mad at Sandy only because he witnessed Sandy declining the call.

And is no one worried about getting cancer from cellphones anymore? When I used to keep my cellphone in my right pocket 8 hours a day during work, I developed spider veins on my thigh, right where my cell phone rested. I stopped keeping my phone in my pocket and put it on the shelf with easy access instead. The spider veins stopped forming since then. Of course, I can't prove that the cell phone caused the spider veins, and I can't say that spider veins would lead to cancer. But, I can tell you what I observed, and I prefer to not have my cell phone directly on my person. Maybe years down the road there will be a study about cell phone usage by type of phone, amount of usage and health problems. Hopefully, we the people who don't use our phones as much will finally be seen as smart for not having a smartphone!