Many Manly Men and Womany Womanly Women

So, it's the start of the second half of the opening NFL game of the season. Football. So manly. So, I thought I would talk about men and women.

There's all those commercials that focus on what's manly, and there's also those spoof DQ commercials, which are pretty good. Anyway, what's manly and how does sexual orientation figure into the definition? I don't think sexual orientation matters. Case in point, my buddy, we'll call him Tiger Clean. He loves football. He's very physically fit. He's a bouncer or barback a couple nights a week. He curses and he gets scary when he's pissed off. And he likes dick.

So, nonalcoholic beverages -
You go to a restaurant and get a Coke with a straw wrapped in paper.

Womanly reaction - unwrap the straw and put it in the cup. The type of woman who forgoes the straw and drinks from the rim of the cup that others have quaffed from are the type of women who wear some super oil based hot pink lipstick that doesn't rub off. Even when run through the dishwasher. I mean, that's the only shade of lipstick you ever see on a dirty glass, right?

Manly reaction - don't even touch the straw. Leave it where the "waitress" left it so there is no mistake that the "man" at the table wouldn't even think to use the straw unless to play that game where you twist the ends and snap it with your index finger. (That's such a satisfying feeling - that snap of the straw.) And this man will drink from the rim where the lipstick is and not even notice. And if someone were to point it out to the manly man, he would shrug his shoulders with a so what look. It's just like kissing a strange lady, right? What's manlier than that? But if the straw were to be preinserted into the glass, then the man would do the ultimate testosterone defining move - he would bend the tip of the straw against the side of the glass and hold it there every time he took a drink.

Mowing the Lawn

Womanly approach - call the hot young landscaper. Or dress all provocative and go out there and work up a sweat and cause a disturbance pushing the big bad lawnmower around - turn it into a burlesque show. Or use the riding mower and don't even break a sweat.

Manly approach - put on shorts - preferrably cut offs - and a T shirt. Make a big show of filling the tank with gas. Nod sternly to other men passing by, and say something manly, like time to mow the grass. Nod and wink to women passing by, and say something manly, like gotta keep the missus happy. Make a huge show of starting the engine. Get really physically in there, and make lots of noises, like lives depend on starting this thing. When it finally starts, stand back and wipe brow. As soon as four minutes pass, stop, take off t shirt and wipe brow. Stand there grunting until someone notices. Then nod and continue mowing.

Eating Nuts

Womanly reaction - pick through the pile, inspect carefully, and delicately insert into the mouth one at a time. Discreetly spit out any that taste funny into a tissue. Comment on how salty they are, and maybe wipe them off a little if it's that offensive. Wash it down with bottled water.

Manly reaction - grab a fistful, shake it around in closed palm, and shoot em into the mouth. Take a swig of beer - like a third of the bottle. Then grab another handful of nuts and knock em back. Chew them around making loud crunching noises, then swallow. Take another big gulp of beer and burp as loud and long as possible. Say, "man those are some tasty nuts." Then grin at companions.



I'm sure I could come up with more comparisons, but not tonight, dear, I've got a headache.