What I Like To Wear Is What Not To Wear's Nightmare

So, I would say that if the FP had a chance, he would throw away most of my "wardrobe." I was dressing after a shower (I didn't take one yesterday, but I did on Sunday, so not that gross in my book) when I thought of my topic for the day. My horrible clothes.

I've had this fear that one day Stacy London and Clinton Kelly are going to walk in and unpleasantly surprise me. They would pretty much burn all my clothes, and buy me uncomfortable shit that I would barely ever find occasion to wear. I mean, really.

This is what I am wearing right now.

A moo moo or housedress. Well, I'm not leaving the house in this thing. Okay, I do use it to go to the beach sometimes. I bought this thing in Walgreens about 8 or 9 years ago. So, while it may be a product of a sweatshop, I guess those nimble little Chinese fingers didn't get all stuck and arthritic in vain. I gotten my $10 out of this dress for sure.

I really hope I didn't shatter your image of me, if you don't know me personally. Although, I still think only people who know me read this. My blogs about my life are so glamorous that I must seem like a member of high society. If you didn't know me, you probably pictured me stylishly dressed in the latest New York fashion with some stiletto Manolo Blahnik strappy shoes sitting at my Mac in my fashionable loft style condo with views of the Pacific Ocean from the cliffs of La Jolla a la Carrie Bradshaw of the west. Nope, I'm sitting here in a teeny Golden Hill apartment with views of the rest of Golden Hill in my moo moo.

Now, I realize it's ugly, and I'll probably change into a less flammable wardrobe choice when I cook dinner, but it's that part of the day where it's still warm, and I want to enjoy that shower fresh feeling, since it's such a rare experience for me.

So, I wear a lot of leisure clothes. And I buy them at Wal-Mart, Target and Ross, mainly. I used to go to thrift stores in my youth, but it's too much work. And I tend to wear clothes a couple of times before I wash them. I'm not working, and I'm not working up much of a sweat between my little morning jog, so, really, it's not that gross. I will walk out of the house with hideous old t shirts and my "coffee pants" (an old black pair of exercise pants) to go to the store.

Don't get me wrong, I do dress differently to go out or play a show. I kind of wear almost costumes when I know I'm going to play a show. Usually, I wear bright colors, matching or not, and striped socks or tights, maybe a Hello Kitty shirt or Paul Frank socks. These are some shoes that found me at Target. I was looking for flip flops, because the purple $1.99 ones I got at Marukai Home were about to go and getting really uncomfortable to wear. Of course, it's so hard to find size 7 flip flops in summer that aren't hideous. So, I was giving up and walking away, when these shoes sparkled at me.

This was the only pair, and it was my size. I wasn't even looking for anything besides flip flops, but I couldn't not get these. I mean, I was always looking for Hello Kitty shoes in my size at the gift shop in 99 Ranch Market, and they never had them in stock.

Here are my four bottoms that I probably wear the most right now.


These are my new house shorts.

I think I got them at the most horrible Wal-Mart I've ever been to. It had low ceilings and it seemed more disorganized than a normal Wal-Mart, and it just kind of sucked (more than a regular sucky Wal-Mart). Anyway, they were like $7 I think. I was looking for a $4 price point, but I couldn't find it. I have been wearing them mostly with one of my grey wife beaters, that I wear about 3 - 5 days before giving it up to the laundry basket.

Here's my jean skirt that I've had for several years now.

I think I got it on the clearance rack at Wal-Mart. This thing is great because it's a skirt, and it's jeans material, and it has pockets. My mom used to always go crazy for having more and more pockets, especially when traveling. I remember one time I think my parents were going to Israel and Egypt. They had gone shopping to buy stuff for their trip. My mom was ecstatic to show me this fishing vest she had bought for the trip! I mean she was so excited! She also had this bra that had zippers inside the padding to put money and ID and credit cards in. That didn't seem convenient, but she loved that bra.

Sometime in my life I realized that I inherited the pocket craze from my mom. I kinda hate jeans. They are uncomfortable, and no matter what cut they are, they always cut into my muffin top. I've never had a fancy expensive pair of jeans, so I can't say what those are like. My BFF's ex-hubby had a pair of those $500 no wash jeans the last time I saw him. You know, the kind that you are supposed to freeze to "refresh"? He didn't actually buy them, someone gave them to him as a gift, but if someone gives you $500 jeans, you have to wear them. Just don't wear them to go farming or painting, I guess, which why would you wear jeans for those activities anyway? It was dark, so I didn't get a good look at them, but when his phone started ringing it lit up through his jeans emitting a nuclear like glow. Unfortunately for him, this is my lasting impression of him, as it is bound to be a long time until I see him again.

Anyway, jean pockets are great. If I don't want to bring a purse, I have pockets. One for money, ID and debit card. One for keys, since if we're going out, there's a 90% chance I'm driving home. One for cellphone. The "secret pocket" that no one knows about, especially policemen when searching for drugs, usually has a guitar pic or two in it. They usually just stay there, because when I WASH my jeans like any self respectable red blooded american who knows the value of a dollar and the toil of sweat, the pics don't fall out, but they get a cleaning.

Black cargo pants. from Target or Wal-mart.

Yeah, I love these. More pockets. Right now there's money in the cargo pocket that I discovered the last time I wore these. That's another great thing about pockets - hidden money! I bought these before our end of winter road trip to Sedona, the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. There was that crazy cold front that covered the I8 with snow and we had to drive behind a snow plow all the way through the mountains. Anyway, the pants were for the Grand Canyon. I had to wear tights, stretch exercise pants and then the cargo pants on top to walk around the canyon. And still, when I had to step up to my knees in snow, it was a little chilly on my legs.

Oh, my sweatskirt.

I really don't know where I got it or when. But it's like an old friend to me. Okay, it's not really sweatpants material, it's not fuzzy inside, but it's soft and worn out like a nice pair of sweatpants. I really like skirts, because they have air conditioning. My legs get hot in pants. It's funny, because I don't really shave my legs, so I have this kinda long, fine hair on my legs below my knees. I guess the friction from skirts and stuff rubs the hair above my knees off.

So, this blog has been long enough. I won't photograph each fruit of the loom wife beater and old t shirts and dresses. You get the picture. Anyway, please, I beg you, don't pull a prank on me and sign me up for What Not To Wear. Now, I'm not writing this in hopes that someone will secretly do it. I mean, sure I would love to spend someone else's money on clothes. But it would have to be at the stores I like. And I would not buy a $70 T shirt. But, the main reason I would hate to be on that show is the way the show ends. When the victim has to go out to a party with friends and family to debut the new look. We don't have many friends here. If I were on this show, TLC would have to hire extras to fill out the crowd. How embarrassing that would be! I would rather go out in public in the moo moo.