So, I've made it over a week! That is a huge accomplishment for me. But for today, I'm not sure what to write about. I feel not so funny today. I wish there were a douche for that.
Girl: Mom, do you ever feel not so funny?
Mom: Oh, honey, that's natural. I use Summer's Eve Humor Wash. Here, let's go to
the bathroom and I'll show you how to use it.
Girl: Isn't it like a douche?
Mom: Well, yes.
Girl: How will it make me feel funnier? It just smells like rotting fish that has
been fermenting for a week in the sun.
Mom: Yes it does, and that's hilarious.
See, not funny. I mean, I could just write about something depressing, but I don't want this blog's foot to step on my other depressing blog's toes. So, we'll try to think of some funny shit.
Here's a funny fact. I must go on Facebook about 10 times a day. Although, most times I just click it on because it's like a tick. If I post a comment or something, I'll check to see if anyone liked it or commented. Yeah, I do that. Other people do also. My total time on FB probably doesn't even amount to an hour a day though, unless you count the times that I have multiple windows open and one of them is facebook. Okay, that's really more of a sad fact, and maybe it should go on my other blog. :(
Maybe this is a funny fact? I talk to my pets like they're people. Every time I walk into a room where one of them are hanging out, I'll say, "Hey Fuzz!" or "What's up Stinky?" His name is really Stinksy, but we call him Stinky, even though he only stinks when he lays on dirty towels. If I walk into the bedroom, I'll say, "Hi Pete!" Is that funny or sad?
I googled funny facts. I didn't really see much stuff that made me even crack a smile. Fun facts aren't necessarily funny, I guess.
Well, here's a funny nugget. I'm in the habit of calling people the FP's girlfriend. Like, say, several years ago he was into watching Nancy Grace. So, I would say, oh, your girlfriend's on TV. A little while ago it was Chelsea Handler (who is a funny fucker, btw). So, for the past several years, since we've lived in our current apartment, the FP's main squeeze has been our landlady. She's a nice lady, to us anyway. When we first met her, she liked me right away, but she didn't really pay attention to the FP. I believe her husband was a diplomat and they lived in the Philippines for a while, or they visited there, so that was why she liked me. If you don't know who I am, which seems impossible if you are reading this, I'm a Filipina- American. Oh, and also the FP is my husband. If you want to know what FP stands for, you will have to read my food blog, which you will find when you check out my profile page. I'm not sure if I'm first generation or second generation Fil-Am, because I've googled it before and different people have different interpretations.
Anyway, the landlady is very hands on. She will be here all day kneeling in the dirt in the front replanting the landscaping. Did I tell you she was old? It seems like it's unPC to say old now, right? You're supposed to say elderly or something else? Well, this lady is pretty damn elderly. She's like an octogenarian. She doesn't walk very fast, but she will work all damn day long. And she always wears pants and sneakers and a shirt, and a sweatshirt on top of the shirt. So, she will be weeding or planting or watering or whatever all day long, winter, spring, summer or fall, with a sweatshirt on all day long. I have no tolerance for heat any longer. If it's 80, and I walk outside, I feel like I'm going to pass out. But she'll be at it all day in the baking sun, no problemo.
So, she is a grandmother, well probably a great grandmother. And she wears grandmother undergarments, or granny panties, if you will. So, she gardens and stuff (not uphill though) and she's bent down in the dirt a lot. And sometimes her granny panties are riding up. So, the first time, I caught the FP staring at them. I mean ogling. I mean undressing her with his eyes. Maybe even some foreplay with his retinas, definitely second base with his rods and cones.
So, I called him out, and then we (I) decided she was his new girlfriend. On top of that, she found out he was a private chef and taught cooking classes. This intrigued her as it intrigues most women. OOh, a handsome man who can cook?!? So, he would be leaving for work, and they would have a long conversation about what he would be cooking that day. And when he would have a big event he would be bringing in a lot of groceries, so she would ask about that. Then the day after she would ask him how the event went. It got to the point that when I saw her, she would ask me how his event or cooking class went. I was reduced to chopped liver. But, I'm a liberal wife, so I've allowed this relationship to go on, literally under my nose.
Unfortunately, she has lots of properties, so she will spend lots of time at one, and then disappear for months. So, the FP doesn't have the most steady relationship with her, but whenever he gets a chance to see her, he lights up like the Las Vegas strip. Why do I put up with this? I guess he's being honest at least, and who wouldn't fall for her? Also, I'm hoping that maybe she'll eventually cut him in on her will. You know, just a small token...
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