Tree Stand Follies

So, as is customary for me, I have such big plans for the holidays, but then other elements of life get in the way.

And here I was three days before Christmas, trying to get in the holiday spirit, finally.

Actually, it started with last night, when I was frantically combing the entire tiny house.  I was looking for the Christmas tree stand.  I was thinking of going to get a tree last night, but I never found the stand.  We had packed that stand in San Diego and brought it here to Florida.  I remember the debate about it.  How we might want a tree a month later, since we moved in November.  And, it didn't take up all that much room in the cube.

So, there I was, searching all over.  I couldn't find the damn thing.  And they aren't that cheap either.  Which is why I wanted to keep it.  Is it possible that we brought it all the way here to our crappy apartment, and then when we moved into the house, we decided not to keep it?  That just doesn't sound like me....

So, I woke up early this morning and went straight to Home Depot across Sheridan to beat the traffic and get a tree.  When I got there, Home Depot was open.  But the tree lot was all chained up.  There were a bunch of dried out brown looking trees all thrown in the back of the lot.  I guess I could have asked if they were bringing more trees in, but it looked doubtful.

So, I went to Kmart across the street to look for a tree stand.  They only had fake trees, so, they didn't have live tree stands.  Then I went back across the street to Big Lots.  Lots of Christmas crap that they were consolidating, but no tree stand.  Then I went back across the street to go to Office Max and get planners for 2013, since the whole Mayan apocalypse thing didn't pan out.  But Office Max was closed, because I forgot it was still early.

So, I figured I would just drive down Stirling and maybe find a Christmas Tree tent.  I didn't.  So I had to drive all the way over to the other Home Depot.  They had a ton of trees, so I bought this little 6 footer.  But they were all out of stands.  Really?  Really!  The guy told me there was a shortage and it was easier to find a tree than a stand.  Why though, why?

Oh, and I wasn't thinking, so I don't know if I was allowed to tip him, but I didn't.  I hope I wasn't supposed to, because, then I feel like an asshole.  Even though if I thought about it, I would have tried anyway.  But I didn't, and I suck.

So, I went across the street to Target, even though I knew they wouldn't have a stand.  And they didn't.

So, I drove all the way south to Walmart.  No live trees.  Lots of fake trees.  There was this amazing little purple lighted tree.  If I knew what the price was, and it was cheap, and there were boxes of them readily available, I would have bought one.  I still might go after Christmas to see if I can get one!

But anyway, they didn't have a live tree stand.

I was contemplating how I could turn our empty planter into a tree stand.  I thought it might involve putting holes in it and finding big screws to hold the tree in place.  That sounded like too much work.  But I thought I might have to.

So, I was driving home on 441, when I saw a Christmas tree tent.  With a bunch of stands!  So, I pulled over.  I asked this slow old man how much they were.  The big one was like $30, the medium was $25, and the small was $20.  I asked for the small one.  Apparently, the only small one left was holding a small tree up and he proceeded to take the tree out.  When I saw that, I told him I would take the medium one.  I think that was just a scam, but it worked.  He told me the medium one was sturdier and would last longer anyway, maybe 5 or 6 years.  But I couldn't even keep one for one year!

So, I got my damn stand.  So, I raced home and put the tree in the stand and filled it with water.  And Rudy drank from the water, of course.  But now, ten hours later, the tree still isn't fluffed out.  The branches are still at a 45 degree angle.

But anyway, the FP put what lights we had in the house on the teeny tree.  And it looks so cute.  I won't post a picture though, until we finish putting the ornaments on it.  So hopefully tomorrow.

Here's to a happy ending.... LOL!!!

Pro- Probiotic

So, I make lots of dumb decisions, or non-decisions, rather.  There is always so much going on in my head that I have to wade through, that I often get bogged down in my brain and end up being non productive.  

So, what the fuck am I babbling about anyway?

If you couldn't get it from the title, I'm talking about probiotics.  I ran out of them a month or two ago, and I kept being too lazy to get them.  So, I had the same old affliction again last week.  I went on two walks with Rudy, and took him to the dog park where I have to walk around to keep him moving, so it was really like three walks.  So, it was like I might have walked over three miles.  Which might not sound a lot, but the morning walk included some jogging.  So, that's a lot of energy expenditure for me.  I have no stamina, and I've had that chest thing for a while too.

So, I started to get that run down feeling.  I definitely felt tired every day at work, and I would get those dizzy spells that I used to get.  So, I finally got the vitamins and probiotics that I needed and I started taking them again.  Before the probiotics, I was always feeling shitty and on the verge of getting sick, especially when I would push myself with exercise.

Today, though, I woke up feeling like total shit.  My head felt heavy.

Ok, I'll confess, I did take just a tiny bit of a generic tylenol pm.  Just a bit, and I took it early.  But still, I thought, maybe that was why I felt like shit.  But after the coffee, and the poo, and the drive to work and getting set up for brunch, I still felt horrible.  So, I drank lots of water.  And I drank a glass of OJ.  But still, I felt dizzy.  And I was freezing every time I went into the walk in.  So, it was hot in the kitchen today, but I sweat my ass off, and I may have had a fever.  It's hard to tell though.

So, anyway, here I am, back on the probiotics.  I hope they help in the long term, because I know in the short term they won't be a solution.

Whelp, back on the nyquil too.  I need something to help me sleep, which will help me relax, which will help me recover.  I don't feel like I have enough time to really relax.  Because there's always my mind mucking about, even when my body is at rest.

Long Night

last night.  First of all, I went to bed late because I was texting and on the internet and blogging late.  Ok, not too big of a deal... wait for it....

So, then, I went into bed.  And The Fuzz jumped up on the side of the bed like she does.  So, I pet her. And I was ready to fall asleep, but then she turned around in bed, and I smell the stench of cat shit.  I kind of reached for her fluff butt, and I grabbed a poo coin.

Yes, a poo coin.  It's too big to be a dingleberry.  It was like a round turd, that she probably smushed into a coin shape.

And I touched it.

So, I had to pick her up and bring her into the other room to turn on the light to see her poo coin and remove it.  She started freaking out.  So, I had to move her into the bathroom so I could contain her better.  She started freaking out.  She was meowing her head off and trying to get out of the door.  So, of course, Stinky came over to try to look inside.  Anyway, I finally pulled the poo coin off her fluff butt, and then I had to wipe her butt with a moist toilet paper.  It was tan.  So, I wipe some more, and more and more.  I swear, I must have used a third a roll of toilet paper.  I had to add a little soap to the toilet paper.  Finally, the toilet paper came away from her fluff butt white.  So, I tried to dry it off a little more, then I released her. I warshed my hands very well, and then went back to bed.

So, about 2 hours later, I wake with a start to Rudy whinging.  He doesn't really whine much in the middle of the night.  If he does, it's because he needs something.  I let him go on for a bit to see if he would just stop on his own.

He didn't.  So, finally, I put my glasses back on and let him out.  I asked him if he needed a drinkie or go potty.  He wandered around the dark living room until he wandered to the rug.  On the rug was a log that looked like poo, but I was pretty sure it was cat throw up.  He preceeded to eat the throw up, and before I could stop him, it had all disappeared down his black hole of a digestive system.  Then he was ready to go back to bed.  So, he awoke at the sound of a cat throwing up, and he could not go back to sleep until he ate it.

Gross.

So, finally, I went back to bed.  And then, a few hours later, I awoke to a loud clatter.  And then another.  Then I knew - it was Stinksy knocking the vitamin bottles off the kitchen table.  Well, I knew there could only be one or two more bottles, so hopefully he would just knock them off and be done with it.  Luckily, he stopped at two.

So, I went back to sleep.

And of course, I woke up at 5:30 like I have been.  And I really didn't sleep for the next hour, but I stayed in bed anyway.

So, of course, I was a little tired at work.  But it was slow.  So, I plodded along and did my work.  Although, at one point, I was trying to garnish a plate with this green basil oil.  It was kind of cold and coagulated, so I shook the squeeze bottle to loosen it.  And the basil oil squirted all over my apron around my woo woo area.

Did I mention how I was working with all guys today.  And three of them witnessed the green jis squirt.  It was funny.

Then, later on, I tried to bake a custard for a special creme brulee pancake we are going to run this weekend.  The chef had told me to take a big sheet pan, which is the thinner pan, like a cookie sheet, but it's big, and put water in it for a water bath, and then bake 2 half sheet pans of creme brulee on top of that.

Well, I thought it was not a good idea, but I tried it anyway.  He always tells me to do stuff a certain way, and then he asks why I didn't.  So, I did this time.  And once again, a bunch of guys were standing around and watching my failed attempt to put this thing in the oven.  A waterfall of custard and water dumped over the oven door and then onto my pants and shoes.  So, they had to put the pan in the oven for me.  Terrible.  Bad decision making on my part all the way.

Then, after work, I put on my flip flops.  And then I was walking on the sidewalk and I stomped right into a puddle.  Right into it.

After that, we went to the local bar to have a beer.  I was pouring my beer into my glass, and I managed to somehow dump some of the beer straight onto my hand.

Yep.  It's been a long night and day.  I'm so ready to go to bed.  I'm exhausted.

But at the same time, I kind of have this nagging urge to take a sleeping pill.  They are so addicting.  I shouldn't have taken the half the other night....

Exhale

I've had this cough.  It's a shallow cough.  But, it feels like there is fluid in my lungs.  If I breathe in deep, it makes me have to cough.  And if I cough hard, my diaphragm gets stuck on my ribs, or something that feels like that.  It feels like a mild form of bronchitis.  I don't think bronchitis goes away on it's own, does it?  It could also be just allergies and post nasal drip.  Anyway, I don't like it.

When I'm stressed, I want to take a deep breath and let it out.  If I take a deep breath, I have to cough. So, instead, I just exhale deeply.  It's not the same.

It reminds me of this... not exactly a trick, but I can't think of the proper term for it.  There was this gross thing, that a friend showed me like when I first started (shhhh) smoking.  That was a long time ago.  I can't imagine smoking every day and craving it.  And I can't imagine chain smoking, that's for sure.  But I used to do it.  And this friend demonstrated how one could exhale as deeply as possible, without inhaling first, and one could expel the smoke still in the lungs.  I didn't believe it, but sure enough, a while after smoking, I could do it.  Expel the toxins.

So, maybe it's a good idea to just exhale deeply without inhaling.  It's like a lung cleanse.  I can think of another way I used to expel the lungs, but, it's definitely not ideal.  And, it's not legal either.  So, I won't talk about it.  I don't know if the DEA monitors this blog or not.  And while I haven't done anything illegal in ages - I mean, how could they prosecute -  I still don't need to delve further into this topic.  That's more of a, spend $11 to buy the book type of topic.

Anyway, go ahead.  Exhale as hard as you can.  It might feel weird when you do it, but it's oddly refreshing afterward.

Worn out

Like that first clubbing outfit we get as young adults. You know what I mean...

I feel like I've been tired since I was a child. Am I just lazy and mentally telling myself I have chronic fatigue syndrome in order to justify not finishing the things I put on my to do list?

Maybe. What about the dizziness and the knee problems, though? I mean, at one point today I thought I was going to collapse.

Do I just have a low threshold for physical discomfort then?

And why couldn't I have just won the lottery?

To Do List

I'm texting with my bff, checking in on facebook, and watching the Saints/Falcons game.
Seems like the appropriate time to "jot" down a household to do list:

1. Fix the front door handle.  That's been an issue for like a year now.

2.  Fix the screen door, the hinges and the bottom screen.  These have both been a few months.  The screen, I tried to fix before, but Rudy just popped it out when he jumped on it.

3.  Fix the back bathroom shower so that the water is hotter.  This has been from the beginning.  I tried to fix it by taking off the hot cold handle and moving the plastic disc, but this didn't work.  And the water in the rest of the house can get scalding.

4.  Fix the clog in the other bathroom shower.  This has been really from the beginning too.  We tried to snake it, and the snake would get caught.  We've bought a couple snakes.  The last time, I kind of unclogged it a little, but that lasted just a couple showers.  Then it stopped up again.  We need a snake with a narrower..."head".  It gets stuck.

5.  Clean clean clean!  everything!

6.  Weed everything!!! So many weeds!

7.  Clean the pool!  It's so dirty.  But it's cold, so I  don't want to go in, and it's difficult to clean some parts standing outside.

8.  Do something with the solar cover that is just all over the back of the yard behind the pool.

9. Mow the lawns.  It's been a few weeks, so it's time.

10.  Clean out the litter boxes.  I dumped them out and put in new litter, but I don't think that is enough for the cats.  Stinky tends to piss everywhere nowadays.

11. Clean the shutters.  They are dirty.

12.  Fix the 2 broken shutters.  That's so ghetto.

13.  Finish decorating the house!

14.  Fix all those broken hinges on the kitchen cabinets!  They are annoying!

15.  Put up more cat perch shelves around the house.




That is all.  Easy, huh?  Not, for me....

What Do I Do When I Don't Feel Like Posting?

I post a video of the animals...

Today was a weird day.  I spent lots of time with Rudy, and I realized, I never have enough time or energy to spend quality time with him.  He needs a lot of work.  And lots of love.  The work... well, it's a work in progress.

The love, yes, that's also a work in progress too.  He doesn't like to be hugged.  He growls if we hug him.  And if we pet him or crowd him the wrong way when he's not in the mood, he growls.  He's high maintenance, because the reverse side of it, is that he doesn't like to be left alone outside or in a room when we are somewhere else.  He whines this high pitched whine like he's in danger or something.

But, we had a first today.  I was trying to rip the broken screen off the door, and Rudy was crowding me.  So, I pushed him away with my hip, and I might have inadvertently pushed his head against the door frame.  He looked a little stunned, but not hurt.  I felt really really bad.  I bent down to pet him, and he seemed fine, then he licked my face.  I have never let him lick my face.  He's such a dirty dog.  He eats shit and dirt and bugs and dirty napkins and licks the floor.  But I hurt him and I felt bad and I apologized, and he licked my face.  What a good doggie.

Anyhoo, on a totally different subject, I dropped my iphone for the first time today!  It was a horrible feeling.  That's what I get for using the iphone while driving (at a stoplight mind you) and then setting it on the seat next to me and forgetting it was there.  When I got out of the car, it tumbled out onto the ground.  Luckily, I had that big bulky lifeproof case on it.  I'm not sure if it would have faired quite as well with the cool smaller and slender transparent purple case.  It might have been okay, but it fell face side down. :(  I hate myself for doing something stupid like that.  I should know better by now, since I've had to live with myself for almost 39 years now.

Addicted

to sleeping.  It's something that I just can't seem to get enough.  And I've become dependent on drugs to get it.

Is that wrong?

I mean, it's not like I'm popping Lunesta all hours of the day.  I have generic acetaminophen and diphenhydramine PM stuff.  I started taking 2 when I was sick and weening myself off of nyquil.  Then I went down to one, and now, I just bite off like a half or third of one.  So, it's not like I'm building a tolerance much... but it helps me sleep through the night, rather than waking up every 2 hours.

And don't go and recommend that new Nyquil Zzzzzzz.  I looked at the stuff.  It's just diphenhydramine.  The same amount that's in all the sleep aids.  But without the pain killer.  And I'm getting older and have a physical job.  I could use a little bit of pain killer.  It's just a little.

And not to change the subject, but this Breaking Amish show is funny.  They are in Atlantic City for a bachelor/bachelorette party drinking through penis straws and stuff.  It's funny, because it reminds me of that show Laguna Beach that was on MTV... but the opposite.  Oh, never mind.

Election Day!

Remember that Reese Witherspoon movie, Election?  I loved that movie.  I wish presidential elections were as funny.  And that presidential candidates handed out cupcakes.  Some people might argue that presidential elections are as funny, and that candidates do hand out metaphoric cupcakes.  But I don't get any of those metaphoric cupcakes.  I would rather have actual cupcakes than metaphoric ones anyway.  I love actual cupcakes with nice soft icing.  I like a good red velvet cupcake.  And even just a plain yellow or white cake cupcake is delicious.  Coconut is always a favorite of mine.  Chocolate has to be moist.  I kind of cringe at the word moist.  But I don't hate it like the word turd.  Man I could go for a good cupcake right about now.  No, I'm not really over the cupcake craze because I don't frequent cupcake shops.  I just every once in a while get the occasional 6 pack of cupcakes from Publix when they look good.

Anyway, I think Election day and the day after should be national holidays.  Don't you think.  I mean like real holidays where almost all the businesses are closed or have shorter hours.  Wouldn't that be nice?

It's so scary and exciting though, to be a part of an important swing state.  Watching the numbers recalculate, it's a real nail biter.  But, I'll probably fall asleep before they have a decisive winner for Florida, let alone the name of the president for the next 4 years.

Anyway, I'm burnt out by all this campaign bullshit.  I feel like no public money should go towards campaigns, and instead of donating money to campaigns, people should donate money to charities sponsored by the candidates.  Wouldn't that be nice?

I know, it would also be nice to have unicorns as pets.  But they might still accidentally stab you with their horn.  And you would have to always worry about some poacher coming to steal the horn as well.  And also all the neighborhood kids would always be ringing your doorbell wanting to pet the unicorn.  And you would have to turn them away sometimes, telling them that the unicorn is fragile and dainty and doesn't always want to frolick and rough house with the kids.  And then the kids would be disappointed.

But, anyway, getting back to the topic at hand, the other topic besides cupcakes and unicorns - in the midst of the spouting off of political bullshit from all directions, especially on facebook, I found some unexpected words of profoundness from a facebook friend.  It's so strange that someone who I wasn't close to in high school can affect my line of thinking from facebook of all places - without even knowing the effect.

Here's the two quotes:

I am proud to have NOT posted one political thing all season long. At the end of the day, we will vote from a point of personal integrity...not because our beliefs were positioned and skewered by insatiable social media.

When you're too religious, you tend to point your finger to judge instead of extending your hand to help. Keeping a formative pulse of your own piety is wise.

Whelp! Here's to seeing you tomorrow on the other side!!!!  Goodnight all!

Regression

I started sleeping with a blankie, or binky or whatever you want to call it. When I got sick I took one of the cuddly couch blankets into the bed to keep me warm and keep my nose and mouth covered so I wouldn't get more sick. The FP pulls the blanket around his feet, so my top half isn't fully covered.

Well, my cold or whatever has travelled to my chest where I can feel the congestion. And the blankie has stayed in the bed where it keeps my mouth and nose covered every night. No stuffy sinuses though...

Noisy, Aggressive, Smelly, Greedy, Entitled, Rude, Unapologetic

Frat Boys.....

Oh, no, I mean Rudy.

He is so obnoxious.  He's loud and clumsy - he's a bull in a china shop.  And he's jealous and possessive, yet he growls a lot when we try to pet him.  When he's cranky or anxious and wants to play, he follows me around and bites me.  He knows he isn't supposed to eat our food or the cats' food, but he tries to every chance he gets.  He makes lots of loud noises that sound like old men sleeping, or teamsters, or passed out frat boys.  His farts are horribly offensive.  I mean they permeate the whole room and literally smell like shit.  Tonight, I smelled one all of a sudden, and I had to check the rug he was lying on to make sure he hadn't shat on it.  He hadn't.  It was just a fart.

Oh the joys of dog parenting that I've waited so long for.  I think the problem is, I should have gotten a dog a long ass time ago.  A long ass time ago, I wasn't as much of a germaphobe, or as OCD about certain things, and I was more patient and tolerant, I wasn't as much as a grumpy old person as I am now.

But, he's funny.  And he's goofy.  And he's Rudy.

But I'm thinking I need to get beano for dogs.  I mean really. It smelled like shit.

What I did most of the day

I ordered an iphone 5 on like 9/23, and it finally arrived today 10/27.  I got the case for it long before I got the phone.  I neglected to get a adapter so I can use the old iphone connectors/chargers, so I might have to go to the mall and go to the apple store to get one.  That sucks.

I should be more excited about finally getting an iphone, an iphone 5.  But, it kind of sucks setting up a new phone and setting up email and contacts and stuff.  And then the phone bill is going to go up too.  To upgrade from a little chunky blue tween dumbphone to this is like skipping junior high and going straight to grad school at MIT.  Well, actually, I had some stuff already set up because I set up my ipod with apps and stuff.  If I upgraded my laptop OS and I could use icloud, it would be a lot easier.  But I'm just scared that things won't work properly if I do, like the apogee Duet interface.  So, I'm just going to stick with snow leopard.

Dog Farts

What's up with dog farts?  They are so stinky.  And this guy, Rudy, seems to be mostly gassy when sleeping.  When he's snoozing in the car on the way home from daycare, or when he's laying on the floor in front of the couch, he really lets loose.  But they are always silent.

And then yesterday, he was being rambunctious or something.  One of us asked him to sit.  And he sat. And then we heard a "squeak"!  And he looked at the FP when the noise came out.  But it wasn't from the FP.  It was Rudy's fart.

So, dog farts can make noises!

And sometimes it's difficult to distinguish a dog fart from a human fart - especially when one has a gaseous family like mine.  One day, I swore the FP had farted in the car.  But he swore it was Rudy.  But it was weird, because it smelled meaty, and the FP had been eating the chili I cooked the night before... Weird.  Unless Rudy had licked a bowl with chili on it or something....

Dog farts.  Those are funny.

One More Glass Of Sake

and then what?  Do I drink a beer?  Or do we stop for the night and get on the PJs and watch TV?

Oh, I don't know.  I'm weary.  Life is exhausting.  My life isn't really all that bad.  But others around me are having fucked up things happen to them.

Anyway, what to talk about?  I posted last night's blog on facebook like 10 times because it kept showing that it wasn't published....

Which reminds me about what I want to vent about tonight!

The iphone 5!!!!

I ordered one... oh, on 9/28/12.  And it is... oh, 10/22/12.  And when I checked the status on the AT&T website, it said back ordered.  Then I did what I always do first when I have questions.  I googled iphone 5 back order.  I saw two threads about AT&T.  Basically, everyone who ordered iphone 5s a few weeks after the release got back ordered.  And a lot of them said that they asked to cancel the order, and AT&T said it couldn't be cancelled until the phone was delivered, but some were persistent and finally found someone to cancel, and then they ordered one from Apple and got it within a week.  But I looked at the apple store online, and they are shipping 2 - 3 weeks, so it might not be any faster.

So, here I am with my blue tween phone that every once in a while crashes.  And I'm still waiting for my bank account to be charged for the iphone at any minute.  They said that it would not be debited until it ships.  So that could be now or any time in the next several months.  So I just have to act like that money is not in my account at all.

Fuck you AT&T!!!!

ROTFLAPIMP

So.... you all know what my biggest fear is, right?  Like what would be my most embarrassing moment.  If you've been following this blog, you should know.  If not......

It's shitting myself in public.  Like sharting or diarrhea.  I have all these digestive/bowel issues which seem to be IBS.  Even though I think IBS is a name they came up with for varying digestive issues that couldn't fit into a specific diagnosis.  You know, I've been taking probiotics, and let's just say that I've had to ease off on those because, well... they are having the reverse effect now...

Anyhoo, that is neither here, nor at work.  I guess I'm just self centered and I need to talk about myself before I talk about someone else.

So, do you want to hear the very embarrassing moment my coworker had today?

Oh, no.  Ok.  I guess I will stop here then.




Ha ha ha.  You wish.  But, I have to tell this story.  So, as you know, because you follow this blog, Sundays are horrible for me.  Ok, that's an exaggeration.  Sunday is my most unfavorite day of work.  It's long and grueling and I have to work in cramped close quarters with my two male coworkers, who give me about 3 square feet of space on the hot line.

So, anyway, when we had a break in the tickets, the one of them, let's call him Fish Drop, because he dropped the last piece of salmon the other day, had to go to the bathroom.  He was gone for a little while.  When he came back, the other cook, Air Jordan (he has this like Air Jordan tattoo on his arm), asked if he had gone to smoke, because Air Jordan wanted his smoke break.  Fish Drop told him that he didn't get a chance to smoke because he had to take a shit, which he had said he had to take since 9 am.

Fast forward to, oh, maybe an hour later.  So, Fish Drop walks by me, and I see something flapping from the back of his pants.  It was like 8 inches long.  I thought it was a kitchen towel, but it was too flimsy.  Then I thought it was paper towel, because the FP sometimes puts paper towels in his back pants pocket.  See, cooks hold towels folded over their apron strings, so the FP, in lieu of apron strings will stick a paper towel back there when like cleaning or something.  Yeah, it's kind of weird.

But getting back to Fish Drop, and the thing in his back of his pants.  You know where I'm going with this.  So, I was looking at it to figure what it was.  And then I did.  So, I took a split second to not laugh but figure out how to tell him.  So I said, put your hand on your pants...on the back of your pants.  So he grabbed the toilet paper hanging out of his pants and looked at it and looked at me and grabbed it and stuffed it into the slim jim garbage can next to him.  Right as that happened I started laughing hysterically.  And right as I started laughing hysterically, our chef turned the corner and asked what's so funny.  I just looked at him and continued my involuntary convulsive giggles.  Fish Drop just said, oh nothing.  I guess I looked at the garbage or Chef saw Fish Drop throw the toilet paper in the garbage, because Chef went over to the garbage can to look in.

He saw the toilet paper and he began to crack up too.  The two of us were like giggling fools.  I was laughing so hard my face hurt.  Fish Drop's explanation was that he had gone to the bathroom a half an hour ago (but I'm pretty sure it was longer than that).  I don't know how no one had noticed that whole time.  His pants tend to fall, so he probably had them pulled up, and then as they slowly fell the TP came out of his bung hole.  I'm glad I didn't see the TP in the garbage.  Because there had to be shit on it, right?!

Even now, as I sit on the couch alone, with the Steeler game on, and the FP already in bed.  I chuckle to myself.

And my butt feels tingly.     

What a day!

Whew!!  Sometimes a day at work is easier than a day off.  Today was a roller coaster.

But, here's the real disturbing news about the day.  Sometime in the day, I walked into the living room and I noticed that the front door was open.  When I went to investigate, I noticed that The Fuzz was standing out on the porch.  And so I went out to herd her in, and that's when I saw Stinksy, of course.  Stinksy was more difficult to get in than The Fuzz.

What makes it even more disturbing, is that there microchips expired, and I need to renew their plan in case they run away.  And they both are currently not wearing tags of any sort.

If that weren't disturbing enough, later today, they kept running out back into the backyard.  The screen door to the lanai is ripped, and it needs to be repaired.  So there's an open hole for them to go in and out.  So we kept chasing them in, but they kept sneaking out in front of us.

Here's what is the most disturbing.  Tonight, when it was time to get everyone in from the lanai and lock the back door, The Fuzz wasn't having it.  She stood by the back door and meowed her head off to be let outside for like half an hour.  She was trying to open the door.  If you know The Fuzz, you know this is very uncharacteristic of her.

So, yeah, I do need to renew their microchip registration, and I need to fix the screen door.  And we need to fix the front door handle so the door stays closed even if it's not locked.  So, yeah, I know it's my fault.

OMG, I'm like Schmidt!

Do I watch too much TV and read too much into sitcoms maybe?

Do I overanalyse stuff too much....

Yes and yes!

Anyhoo, I just finished catching up on the latest episode of New Girl.  Love that show.  I love all the characters, really.  So, if you haven't seen the latest episode, there are new young neighbors, and Jess and Schmidt try to hang with them.  They end up loving Jess and hating Schmidt.  But Schmidt wants them to like him and tries too hard.

Ok.  I don't usually try too hard to get people to like me.  But, I know what it's like to be older and not have the younger kids want to hang out with me.  That's what I feel like at work.  I am even older than my chef!  So, all the cool servers always ask the other cooks what they are doing and if they want to go for drinks later, but they never really ask me.

Ok, a long time ago when we first started doing brunch, that crew asked me once or twice, and I said I couldn't because I had to pick up my dog and spend quality time with him.

But, it's kind of weird to be one of the people who don't get invited to go out.

I did get invited to go to a party on a Sunday night, but I was so dead tired, and the FP was watching the Steeler game, that there was no way we were going.

But, I just have to find a new way to make friends.  I can't always only have friends that I work with.  That gets fucked up anyway, when you want to do something and everyone wants to take off for it.

So, whatever.  I've always been an introverted nerd.

It's just that, I'm not used to being invisible anymore.

Out of sorts

I have a horrible memory... and this has partially led to my OCDness.  I have to do things in a certain way to make sure I don't fuck them up.  It's all about preparing ahead for what I will surely forget.  Have you seen that movie Memento, where the guy leaves himself notes and tattoos stuff on himself? I can totally relate to that.  I sometimes basically don't know how I got to where I ended up.  

Anyhoo, long intro.  So, what happened this morning was, I had my street clothes already packed in my bag for work.  Usually, I have to root through the laundry pile that lives in the sink to come up with something.  Then I throw it all in a plastic grocery bag in my work bag.  

But, on Wednesday, I drove straight home with my work clothes on because I just wanted to get home to my family.

So, this morning, my routine was all out of whack, on account on not having to pack my bag.  So I thought.  I got to work, and I went into the bathroom to put on my work shirt, when I realized that I didn't pack it.  I had my work shirt sitting on top of my work pants, but I never put it in my bag with the other clothes.

Doh!!!

So, all I had were two small v neck T shirts and a wife beater.  So, I put on the wife beater underneath my purple v neck, so I would have a longer shirt under.

Then I went into the dry storage area to check the T shirt box for a T Shirt.  There was one 2XL shirt. Man's 2XL, of course.  It would be a dress on me.  And while I used to wear gigantic shirts in college, I don't think my employers would appreciate a gigantic shirt at work.  So, I figured, I would wait for them to get in, and see if they had a shirt or really wanted me to go home and change.

Being OCD, this made me edgy.  I kept doing my prep, but I kept looking at the clock, thinking if I would have time to go home if I were asked to.

I seemed to be ok on time when I started to make the biscuit dough for the weekend.  I hate making it, because it doesn't feel great using my hands to cut the butter into the flour.  I did get a cheap pastry blender, but it didn't really help, so unless I break down and get a nice pastry blended, I have to use my hands and not worry about how it makes my hands feel like claws after.  I was cutting in the butter, when I noticed the dough was awful white.  And then, I noticed, it was grainy.

I was using rice flour instead of AP flour.  I had done this once before, a long time ago, and I didn't notice until I baked the biscuits and they came out weird - dry and crumbly.  

So, I had wasted my time, and the ingredients.  We have been short on rice flour because the flour we had been getting from the supplier kept coming in with weevils in them.  So, I killed all this rice flour that we needed for the weekend.  And I ended up taking almost an hour just to make biscuit dough.

Stupid stupid stupid!!!

Anyway, the owner, the cult leader, my boss, walked and saw that I didn't have a work shirt on, but he didn't say anything.  

Later on, I asked him if he had a T shirt in his car, and he said, "Why, you look fine?"  

To which I responded, "I'm not in the uniform."

He said, "I figured you had a good reason for not wearing it.  It's fine.  You have bigger arm muscles than Manny over here."  

It still made me feel weird.  Like I was too comfortable in my T shirt.  The sleeves were shorter, exposing my tattoos and my said guns... which must have been distracting for all my coworkers.  One server asked, was it casual Friday?

Anyway, if you want to fuck with me, take away one of my pillows, put my eyeglasses case on a different shelf, change the order of my cooler mise en place, change the time I have to go into work, any little deviation in my routine totally throws my day or life out of whack.  

So, now you know.  You might observe a habit and see me as being anal.  Really, I'm just trying to keep my shit together.  It's always ready to spin out of control at the slightest movement.

postscript -

LMAO!!! Here is a prime example.  I just went to tag and publish this post, when I realized that I almost posted it on The Pork Porn Pages instead of Unnecessary Supplement!  I haven't written on the Pork Porn Pages in so long, that I automatically thought I was on the Unnecessary Supplement page... silly me... DOH!

Pricks

I was walking Rudy at the beach this morning.  He was jerking on the leash, so I jerked him a little, and I stabbed myself in the thumb with a cactus.  It's kind of funny, because when we first passed by the cacti, I told Rudy that those were prickers and he didn't want to get stabbed by them.  I guess he showed me.

Then, later, I was trimming the nonflowering bougainvillea.  I had Rudy hooked to the house with the three leashes.  That was just enough lead so he could go a little onto the grass if he wanted or needed.

So, when I was trimming the bougainvillea, of course he wanted to "help".  He was all in it.  Once again, I tried to pull the trimmings away from Rudy, so he wouldn't get pricked, and I pricked my hand.

Figures.

Rudy is a prick.

Not really, he's just a puppy.  Just a puppy who kept challenging Stinksy's right to lay on the bed.  Rudy kept jumping on the bed and barking at Stinksy, but Stinksy held his ground.

In other happenings of the day, I put my bra on backwards.  How is that possible?  I wear mostly sports bras.  They are easier for work, and you can get a 3 pack for cheap at Walmart or Target.  And, my bra size is always sold out when I'm looking for the more traditional cup bra.  So, also, I swear my tits are shrinking.  Like, if it weren't for my pointy nipples, I wouldn't ever bother with a bra.  Anyway, I had my swimsuit on this afternoon.  And I needed to go to the store, so I had to change.  I just threw some clothes on.  Later, I went to change for the evening walk with Rudy, I noticed that the bra was on backwards when I looked in the mirror.  So, obviously, it didn't even feel weird.  Why even bother with a bra?

I know why kids get fat

because they were annoying their parent(s), so it's easier to distract and entertain with food.

My babysitter was the TV and food.  Luckily for me and my doctor mom, I had the hyperactive skinny gene as a kid.

Anyway... I used food to stop Rudy from annoying me tonight.  We were trying to watch Breaking Bad.  The FP was eating popcorn right after Rudy ate his dinner.  So, Rudy was trying to eat the FP's popcorn.  So, it was my job to distract him with the laser light game.  But, the FP was taking forever to eat the popcorn.  And Rudy kept coming back to him to try to get the popcorn.  So, finally, I got out the deer antler.  And he went away and he stopped jumping on the couch and stuff.  He was just scraping his teeth on that antler.

It's kind of gross and weird when you think about it - a dog chewing on a deer antler.  Do hunting dogs see antlered game and think, "yum, I can't wait to chew on one of those antlers!"

Why is that not as weird as chewing on, say, a cow bone?  I guess because I don't eat antlers.

Anyhoo, it seems like a lot of dog toys are really about getting them entertained by themselves without human interaction.  Not all of them, but a lot.  And they make a disclaimer on the package by saying that the dog should be supervised when chewing on the plastic bone or whatever.  Right.  A plastic bone is so a dog will sit quietly while mommy or daddy is at work or busy.

So, I'm glad I don't have kids.  They would be fat and have all kinds of behavioral and social issues.  And The Fuzz probably wouldn't like all the disturbance all the time.