Dog Farts

What's up with dog farts?  They are so stinky.  And this guy, Rudy, seems to be mostly gassy when sleeping.  When he's snoozing in the car on the way home from daycare, or when he's laying on the floor in front of the couch, he really lets loose.  But they are always silent.

And then yesterday, he was being rambunctious or something.  One of us asked him to sit.  And he sat. And then we heard a "squeak"!  And he looked at the FP when the noise came out.  But it wasn't from the FP.  It was Rudy's fart.

So, dog farts can make noises!

And sometimes it's difficult to distinguish a dog fart from a human fart - especially when one has a gaseous family like mine.  One day, I swore the FP had farted in the car.  But he swore it was Rudy.  But it was weird, because it smelled meaty, and the FP had been eating the chili I cooked the night before... Weird.  Unless Rudy had licked a bowl with chili on it or something....

Dog farts.  Those are funny.

Farts

Farts are funny, right?

I mean, I know you're an adult, and bodily function humor is beneath you, right?  Beneath you as in coming out of your ass...

I couldn't remember what the blog topic I was going to write about.  Then the FP farted, and then I farted shortly after.  So, I thought, let's write about pass flatus.  That's what my mom always called it.  

My family always laughed about farts.  Especially my dad's, which were the loudest.  Now, he just leaks out motorboat farts and I guess because he's hard of hearing he thinks their silent.  Either that or he doesn't care.  It's weird to hear him farting for several seconds and not be able to say anything or laugh, and have other people ignore it.

At work, I don't really fart too much.  I don't eat too much at work, not like at other jobs where I might be constantly shoving a dessert, or cheese, or a steak end, or risotto in my pie hole.  Oh, and I don't drink as much.  Not going in to work all hungover with soft stool really helps matters.  

But, it's almost a shame I don't have to fart too much at work.  I am boiling and peeling eggs almost every day.  And as you know, eggs smell like the ultimate fart smell.  So, the chef always makes jokes and asks me if I'm farting.  So, I answer, well yeah, that's why I boiled the eggs, so I can cover up the smell.

The FP came in yesterday and sat at the bar for about an hour.  He said that someone kept farting, like crop dusting right by him.  So, he wanted to make a disclaimer, that it wasn't him farting.  But that would make him seem guilty, and it would call out whoever was actually farting.  So he didn't say anything.  But he didn't want anyone to think it was him.

The funniest fart incident probably on record though, was in college.  My BFF and I were sitting in our dorm room farting.  A lot.  Just stinking up the room.  The combo of cigarette smoke and fart must have been quite a smell.  So, this girl from down the hall comes in.  I'm pretty sure we had guilty looks on our faces.  She asks, "what's that smell?"  And we just both bust a gut ROTFL.....

The Gas Chamber

So, as you know if you are a serial Unnecessary Supplement reader, I read a book that delves into the Holocaust and the occurrence yet lack of evidence of human skin lampshades.  So I got Nazi on the brain.  And then we went to the El Cajon Oktoberfest today.

So, when we were walking into the fest, there was a gate at the entrance, and there was a sign that said "Wilkommen" or something similar.  I made an "Arbeit Macht Frei" joke in reference to the entrance of Auschwitz of course.

So, we had to stand in lines to get stuff.  Stand in line for a food ticket, then stand in line for food.  Stand in line for a beer ticket, then stand in line for a beer.

So, we stood in four lines, then we sat at a checkered tablecloth covered table and ate our "ox on a spit" and "bratwurst".  So good, but I'm not going to go into it here, since I should save it for the food blog.

So, we just sat there and watched.  I asked if there were any Nazis there.  Anyone with a human skin lampshade.  Couldn't get the Nazi off the brain.  This guy seemed suspicious.

The FP wanted to have a cigarette, so we went to the smoking area, which happened to be this tiny fenced off area behind the port o potties.  It was like a small concentration camp.  And doesn't it seem a little dangerous to put the smokers near the port o potties that might start to fill up with dangerous explosive gases?

Later on, the place was pretty busy.  We were lucky to find two seats at the end of a table.  We were across from the ox on a spit ferris wheel of 4 hunks of spinning cow quarter.  Around the corner was the port o johns.  We were by an area of high traffic - people coming and going to the john, and people leaving the food line with their brats and ox.  Did I mention that it was rather warm out there in El Cajon?  The FP mentioned, right as I noticed, that it smelled like sewage or farts or burps or food.  It was probably a mix of all the above, as all four came from the same sources.  You eat the meaty food, and then you burp and it smells like the meaty food, and then you fart and it smells like meaty shit, and then you shit and it smells like shit with meat nuances.  And it all wafts around under the mesh tent, mixing assaulting the nose, really overtaking the olfactory system.  If the tent were more enclosed, it would have been like a deadly gas chamber.

I gotta say, as we drove home, our own flatulence started up, and it smelled just like it did in the tent.  Meaty gas.  We had to turn the air up and roll down the windows so we wouldn't die of gas poisoning.

Anyway, I can't talk about bratwurst fart the whole blog entry, can I?  So, we're going to explore the creative cursing book that Canine Cologne gave me the other day.  It's got two columns of notecards that you just mix and match.  Let's randomly do a few, shall we?

ass bagger
ass flaps
ass waffle (std?)
ass eater (extra dressing on the side please)
ass bucket (for when you're in a 3rd world country I guess)
ass dangler
fuck hole (like a glory hole)
fuck beater
fuck twister
fuck junkie
fuck jammer
fuck packer
cock nugget ( get it checked!)
cock boner (no duh)
cock basket (like a basket of cocks or a cock with the skin pulled into the shape of a basket?)
cock biscuit (like a cat making biscuits?)
cock jockey
cock pooper (hm....)
'gina monkey
'gina pincher (pap smear I guess)
'gina glob
'gina slime (yum)
'gina muncher
'gina gargler (yeah, clean it out gooood)
granny wrangler (round em up at the bingo)
granny wipe
granny lover
granny booger
granny jockey (ride er)
granny junkie
cooch donkey (they do that in Tijuana)
cooch dangler
cooch shitter (poopy Pedro)
cooch twister (sounds painful)
cooch clot (better go to the gynecologist)
cooch jammer
cooch fungus (again, the gynecologist, stat)
sack wanker (sounds painful)
sack muncher (painful again)
sack nugget (clean that shit)
sack biter (again, painful)
sack chomper (really?)
sack pooper (are you shitting on my balls?)
pube monster


G'night all!

Who Farted?

So, for those of you who don't know me and have never read this blog before (I feel like I've prefaced a couple of blog entries with that statement)  I am what one might term negative.  I have a nasty attitude and every little mishap that happens to me - the kind of stuff that happens to everyone - is the end of the world and an atrocity to mankind.  Like this little hurricane so many years ago named "Katrina".  Oh, if you haven't heard my story, you're lucky.  Because if I tell it to you, it will be way too detailed, and you'll feel the need to interject an "Oh my god" or "I can't believe you had to live through that"  or such at certain times.  I mean, honestly, it was much worse for so many more people than me...like... say the people who died, or that man whose wife was torn from him as they were trying to hang on for dear life on top of their roof.

Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about... me.  Oh yeah, that's what this fucking blog is about.  A one way conversation, or a monologue.

So, my pessimism even infiltrates my sense of smell.  So, I have a horribly shitty sense of smell.  Which is funny, because I am a cook.  It really helps a lot to have a good sense of smell in the business.  The funny thing is, I can smell very sharp gross smells very acutely.  Like, if someone burps, the only smell I will probably pick out is garlic.  I realize it is a very strong smell, but, I won't smell the sweetness or the meatiness, or the true depth of the burp.  So, I can't truly appreciate the full bouquet of the burp.

So, tonight, we went to see a friend's band play in LA.  So at the venue, there was a fairly large patio area.  When people started showing up, they all flocked to the patio.  These girls behind us were having a normal conversation.  Then some guy they knew showed up, and he was facing them, ass towards us.  About 5 minutes after he showed up, a very powerful, sharp, shit smelling... smell acosted my nose.  So, do you think the guy was hoping the girls wouldn't smell it?  Or that there were enough people around that they wouldn't assume he dealt it?  Or maybe he just didn't think it was going to smell so bad?

I remember when the movie Kingpin first came out.  We went to see it at the movie theater.  We went to one of those multiplexes, and we ended up in this tiny theater.  The air was like broken or something.  It was hot.  And stuffy.  And someone kept farting.  Throughout the whole damn movie.  Which, admittedly adds to the humor of the movie.  But this guy sitting next to me kept giving me sidelong dirty looks.  But I swear I didn't do it.