deflated

I have nothing humorous or inspiring or interesting to write.

So, I'm just going to find things off the internets for you....

http://randompicdumps.com/index.php/humor/20-funny-pics-2/attachment/soqec/

http://9gag.com/gag/5305599

http://www.google.com/imgres?q=ryan+gosling+hey+girl&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&rls=com.microsoft:en-US&biw=1012&bih=567&tbm=isch&prmd=imvnso&tbnid=-tA-ytxQifiQsM:&imgrefurl=http://www.feltandwire.com/2012/01/10/diy-with-ryan-gosling/&docid=MHq8xvBSLRZQ-M&imgurl=http://www.feltandwire.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/tumblr_lvyaqdtwk01r7myemo1_500.jpg&w=570&h=571&ei=j1xrT8-BJOmosQK_0KmOBg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=303&vpy=18&dur=359&hovh=225&hovw=224&tx=125&ty=148&sig=113479501258038811425&page=2&tbnh=174&tbnw=183&start=18&ndsp=15&ved=1t:429,r:6,s:18

http://www.humordevil.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/erma.png

http://dog-shaming.com/image/31470354556

http://dog-shaming.com/image/31443155534

Overkill

So, I wash my hands a lot.  Yeah, you might be one of those people who say, yeah, I do too!

Okay, so it's not always a full fledged hand washing, but I run my hands under water a lot all day long.  Most of those times, it does involve soap, just not every single time.

So, I wake up, and I usually pee.  So I wash my hands then.

Then I feed the cats.  I may wash my hands after that.

Then I let the little monster out of the crate and leash him and take him out to pee pee poo poo.

When we come back in, I wash my hands, because I've touched him and his dirty leash.

Then I make myself coffee and green drink if I have it, and cereal.  After that, I may or may not wash my hands.

Then I feed Rudy.  I wash my hands after.  I don't want to smell like dog food and have him bite me even more.

Then, he needs to have a toy to occupy him.  So I get a toy and try to get him interested in it.  I definitely wash my hands after touching his toys.  We try to wash the ones that are washable.

I have to put my contacts in after, so I wash my hands of course beforehand.  This is one of the times when I wash very carefully.

So, on and on.

When I get to work, one of the first things I do is wash my hands before I do any work.  Especially if the dog was in the car.

Then I'm prepping.  Some items require several handwashings between the steps.  Like say if I'm making meatballs, or biscuits or whatever.  Some things require gloves, some, you can't use gloves with.  But it's a lot of handwashing.

Then of course, service is a different matter.

I work pantry so, I make salads.  I don't use gloves.

That may gross you out.

But I warsh my hands A LOT.

So, the salads require several steps.  There's no toss it all in a bowl and then toss it on a plate kind of presentation here.  There are several items, and they all have to be placed just so.

So, I will plate one item that is messy.  Wash my hands.  Plate the next messy item.  Wash or rinse my hands.  Plate the next item.  Warsh my hands.  Plate the next item.  Rinse my hands. Toss the greens in dressing, plate it.  Wash my hands.  Unwrap another item, plate it on the plate.  Season.  Rinse my hands.  Plate another item.  Wash my hands.  Plate the last item, wash my hands.  Then wipe the plate.

So, say we have a busy lunch and I have to make 8 of these plates.  That's a lot of hand washing.

Then, I go home, and wash my hands some more.

I wish I had a handwash counter.  Those of you who think I exaggerate would be astounded.  Really.

Tired

Do I have to write this?  I feel too tired to be funny tonight. or to even blather coherently about anything.  I think I had 3 or 4 hours of sleep last night, and I cannot function on less than 6 hours of sleep anymore.  I lose IQ points.  Permanently.  Like I almost typed "I loose IQ points."  I guess because they are always too tight?

Anyway, this lady comedianne (this word bugs me) was on Craig Kilborne tonight.

I'm going to continue kind of in the vein (that is a gross saying) of the blog from yesterday.  Females and humor.  So, I think that some women are overlooked in that department.  It's like if a woman tries to make a joke and it flops, then a male may pat her on the head and say, "that's cute, you tried to make a joke."  The female may be me and the male may be the FP.

Getting back to the Kilborne Show lass.  She was not funny.  After the talk about women and their funnyness credability, I so wanted her to be funny.  So she was dressed like a real mom with some peach or pink blouse and a gold chain necklace thing.  I feel like her look was so not funny that it distracted me from her jokes, which weren't really funny.  Maybe if she had been really crass and profane, the look would have worked because it would have contradicted the jokes.  But it was just like typical men think they're awesome and we know they're not jokes.

So, my sister told me I should do stand up, which is very flattering.  But I don't know if my jokes in conversation would play out in a one way conversation, or an act.  I'm really not good at telling stories, so I couldn't be a story teller type of comedianNE.  I'm good at making fun of people and saying shocking things when least expected.  So, maybe I could just play it out by seeming to have a crappy routine with a not so funny story, and then hit them with some shocking racial joke with lewd language.  And I could dress in my bright mismatched clothes with striped knee length socks and stuff.

But I don't know if I could do open mic nights.  Those sound like a lot of pressure.  Maybe a youtube video of me doing stand up.  Or even better yet, I could do a series of bad stand up routines.  So bad that it's funny?
 
Okay, I obviously, so obviously need to go to bed!

Men Are Funnier Than Women, Funnier Looking

So, I don't want to start getting all academic on you, but I think I was supposed to be some kind of teacher or professor, or a zoologist.  Anyhoo, I was driving to the tire store this morning to get two back tires.  So, I was listening to the 94.9 Mikey show, and they were talking about an article about a study done at UCSD.  The object was to find out if men were funnier than women.  Obviously, that is an objective subject, right?

  UCSD study  Here's the link.

Anyway, the test subjects were undergrads.  16 males and 16 females were told to write captions for New Yorker cartoons, and then other students rated which anonymous captions were funnier.  So men (are college boys really men though?) were found to be .11 more points funnier than women (whores, sorry, girls).  What does that even mean?

The radio personalities started exploring further the general assumption that men are thought to be funnier than women.  So, I think Mikey was saying how humor is like a muscle that needs to be exercised and men exercise their muscles more than women.  Well, men tend to exercise their genital muscles more, so it would be consistent that they exercise their comedic muscles more as well?   It sucked because I was driving in the car.  Being a resident of California means that talking on the phone and driving is illegal unless it's hands free.  So, I couldn't call 94.9 and weigh in my heavy opinion on the subject.

I personally think one component that makes someone funny more than their gender is the presence of pain or trauma in one's life.  I think I've blogged about this before: how many perfectly happy people with a wonderful childhood are hilarious?

So, men are generalized as not being as sensitive as women and sublimating their feelings rather than talking about it.  Women are generalized as being all open and always wanting to talk about feelings.  So, less open men who stuff their true feeling down probably let it spurt out in funny ways.  So people who have had a traumatic childhood and haven't reconciled themselves with their past may relieve the pressure by being hilarious.  The darker the underlying turmoil, the funnier the person.  Need I site any comedians who died of drug overdoses? Well, it doesn't matter.  This isn't a scientific journal, and I don't feel like citing my references.  Plus it's really late at night.

So let's bring this topic back to me.  After all, that's mostly what I blog about - myself.  I'm so full of myself.  Yet at the same time I despise myself.

I think I have blogged about the fact that I was born a female, but I was supposed to be born a male.  So, like, I don't like girls, but some of my traits are more boylike.  In my younger years I was in fact often mistaken for a boy, which was always upsetting.  I also was very hairy when I was puberty age.  My arms and knuckles were very hairy.  One time in junior high, in class, a boy pointed out how I had hairy knuckles.  That was embarrassing.  Now, my knuckles and arms are not as hairy, which is relieving.

Anyhoo,  I had a very horrible nightmarish childhood, and I've been dealing with (or not dealing with) family issues all my life.  These issues are so weighing on my personality that I had to start blogging about that shit too in my third blog.

So, here's my equation:

(male-like) tendency to hold emotions in  +  painful childhood  =  hilarious Food Ho

Okay, maybe "hilarious" is an overstatement.  But, I think I'm fairly witty and amusing at the very least.  I'm not necessarily known as being as funny as I really am because of one factor.  The Food Pimp.  My louder, larger personality, more charismatic other half.  He also tends to hold emotions in (until they come gushing out usually after the application of alcohol) and he is male.  So, I don't stand a chance when I'm next to him.  Often, when we're in a group and I crack a joke, no one hears it but the FP.  So, he will repeat it, and he will get gales of laughter.  Usually though, he will credit me with the joke, but that still diminishes my credentials for humor, because my delivery with my screechy voice was off.

Also, my humor is much more on the darker side, with lots of curse words, which I've noticed makes some people uncomfortable and totally offends others.  The FP's humor has totally evolved to have more of a mainstream appeal, due to all the cooking classes that he has "taught" over the years.

So, you want me to end with some joke or some funny statement, right?  Man, I feel a lot of pressure.  I will say I'm a lot funnier the more intoxicated you are.  So, go get some beer, liquor, wine, malt liquor, moonshine, medical marijuana or whatever.  I'll wait...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Okay, here's all I've got.  It's really late at night, as I mentioned before.  The only reason I'm up this late is because we have a minor crisis on our hands.  But I'm not going to talk about that right now.  I'm just going to stuff it down for now like some dirty wet cotton candy.

The FP's band had their cd release party tonight.  So the bass player and the drummer both had the diarrhea or loose stool or had to go poop a lot or something.  So, someone asked what happened that they both got it.  So the bass player said the last time he saw the drummer he drank from his water and next thing he knew he had the shits.  So everyone laughed a little.  So I waited until the laughter stopped and I said, I thought it was from all the anal sex.  Big laughs.  The guitar player pointed out how I had impeccable timing.

Score .2 points for the ladies!!!

Anyway, it fucking later than a booty call, and I got to get up relatively early tomorrow.....

It's dry out there.

So, it's ant season. We recently had a roach problem, that currently seems to be at bay, but now we have ants. Roaches are not as common here in San Diego as they were on the eastern side of the country where I came from. So, having roaches come into one's abode here, when there were no roaches previously means one is a dirty fucker, or the neighbors brought them in. The roaches did start to appear sometime around when the neighbors who share an adjoining wall with us moved in. So, I'm going to say it was their fault. I mean, after all, the husband or father or whatever did get handcuffed and hauled away in a police car one morning. He did come back, but, still. If you can get arrested, it's possible you imported roaches.

So, the roaches were coming out in the kitchen and we tore the kitchen apart. We didn't see any evidence of nests, but we put roach gel and boric acid and bait stations everywhere. After a week or two, I started seeing dead roaches on the floor under the cabinets. It was gross, because some of them had their miscarriages laying next to them - undeveloped eggs with translucent teeny babies scattered around. Roaches are one of those examples in the animal kingdom where babies are not cute. I mean really, that goes for all insects. Anyway, every few weeks I have to redust with boric acid, and knock on wood (that is hopefully roach nest free) we haven't had an outbreak.

But, the ants. Every morning there is a trail of ants to this little piece of food that dropped on the tile floor. And so the FP sprays with that ecofriendly spray, and then the whole place smells like a pine forest, because it has peppermint oil and rosemary oil. Right now there's evidence of a mass ant genocide a couple feet away from me under the shelving unit that needs to be mopped up. I do believe in reincarnation, but I don't really follow Hinduism or Buddhism. I guess I just liked the idea of having an alternative ending to heaven, hell or purgatory. Also, I have met so many people over the years who look like someone else, or have a similar personality or mannerisms, that reincarnation makes sense to me. Although a more plausible theory would be that there is a limited number of human characteristics that a person can have, of course they could be mixed and matched, but then personalities who resemble others would be encountered quite often.

The part about reincarnation that I guess I don't worry about is the killing of lives. Pest lives of insects and vermin, that is. So, if someone is a human in one life, and he or she comes back as an ant, doesn't that mean that his or her karma was not good in his or her past lives so he or she is suffering the consequences. So, if ants or roaches that I kill were humans, then they were most likely not good people. Also, if I am shortening their lifespan, then am I not giving them a chance for another more interesting life sooner?

Although, I do feel like ant ghosts are haunting me. I have had many an ant crawl on my skin, so now I constantly feel like there's something crawling in my hair, on my arm, or my leg. It's really irritating, and I probably look like I have turrets or I'm going through withdrawal. (I love turrets syndrome. That will be a great topic for another day.) So, I do believe in ghosts as well. I never really contemplated how ghosts and reincarnation fit together in the scheme of things, but I'm not really a deep philosopher. Contemplating squirrel poop is one thing, but thinking about the beginning and end of the universe and the meaning of existence is too much for me. In fact, I think I scored poorly in the subject of philosophy. Anyway, I just like to patch together general ideas that I find desirable to make up my own little twisted world view. I just want to be in the sun and water as much as possible, and to be irritated as little as possible.

No. 8 or Numero Ocho for the Latino Readership

So, I've made it over a week! That is a huge accomplishment for me. But for today, I'm not sure what to write about. I feel not so funny today. I wish there were a douche for that.

Girl: Mom, do you ever feel not so funny?

Mom: Oh, honey, that's natural. I use Summer's Eve Humor Wash. Here, let's go to

the bathroom and I'll show you how to use it.

Girl: Isn't it like a douche?

Mom: Well, yes.

Girl: How will it make me feel funnier? It just smells like rotting fish that has

been fermenting for a week in the sun.

Mom: Yes it does, and that's hilarious.


See, not funny. I mean, I could just write about something depressing, but I don't want this blog's foot to step on my other depressing blog's toes. So, we'll try to think of some funny shit.






Here's a funny fact. I must go on Facebook about 10 times a day. Although, most times I just click it on because it's like a tick. If I post a comment or something, I'll check to see if anyone liked it or commented. Yeah, I do that. Other people do also. My total time on FB probably doesn't even amount to an hour a day though, unless you count the times that I have multiple windows open and one of them is facebook. Okay, that's really more of a sad fact, and maybe it should go on my other blog. :(






Maybe this is a funny fact? I talk to my pets like they're people. Every time I walk into a room where one of them are hanging out, I'll say, "Hey Fuzz!" or "What's up Stinky?" His name is really Stinksy, but we call him Stinky, even though he only stinks when he lays on dirty towels. If I walk into the bedroom, I'll say, "Hi Pete!" Is that funny or sad?






I googled funny facts. I didn't really see much stuff that made me even crack a smile. Fun facts aren't necessarily funny, I guess.

Well, here's a funny nugget. I'm in the habit of calling people the FP's girlfriend. Like, say, several years ago he was into watching Nancy Grace. So, I would say, oh, your girlfriend's on TV. A little while ago it was Chelsea Handler (who is a funny fucker, btw). So, for the past several years, since we've lived in our current apartment, the FP's main squeeze has been our landlady. She's a nice lady, to us anyway. When we first met her, she liked me right away, but she didn't really pay attention to the FP. I believe her husband was a diplomat and they lived in the Philippines for a while, or they visited there, so that was why she liked me. If you don't know who I am, which seems impossible if you are reading this, I'm a Filipina- American. Oh, and also the FP is my husband. If you want to know what FP stands for, you will have to read my food blog, which you will find when you check out my profile page. I'm not sure if I'm first generation or second generation Fil-Am, because I've googled it before and different people have different interpretations.

Anyway, the landlady is very hands on. She will be here all day kneeling in the dirt in the front replanting the landscaping. Did I tell you she was old? It seems like it's unPC to say old now, right? You're supposed to say elderly or something else? Well, this lady is pretty damn elderly. She's like an octogenarian. She doesn't walk very fast, but she will work all damn day long. And she always wears pants and sneakers and a shirt, and a sweatshirt on top of the shirt. So, she will be weeding or planting or watering or whatever all day long, winter, spring, summer or fall, with a sweatshirt on all day long. I have no tolerance for heat any longer. If it's 80, and I walk outside, I feel like I'm going to pass out. But she'll be at it all day in the baking sun, no problemo.

So, she is a grandmother, well probably a great grandmother. And she wears grandmother undergarments, or granny panties, if you will. So, she gardens and stuff (not uphill though) and she's bent down in the dirt a lot. And sometimes her granny panties are riding up. So, the first time, I caught the FP staring at them. I mean ogling. I mean undressing her with his eyes. Maybe even some foreplay with his retinas, definitely second base with his rods and cones.

So, I called him out, and then we (I) decided she was his new girlfriend. On top of that, she found out he was a private chef and taught cooking classes. This intrigued her as it intrigues most women. OOh, a handsome man who can cook?!? So, he would be leaving for work, and they would have a long conversation about what he would be cooking that day. And when he would have a big event he would be bringing in a lot of groceries, so she would ask about that. Then the day after she would ask him how the event went. It got to the point that when I saw her, she would ask me how his event or cooking class went. I was reduced to chopped liver. But, I'm a liberal wife, so I've allowed this relationship to go on, literally under my nose.

Unfortunately, she has lots of properties, so she will spend lots of time at one, and then disappear for months. So, the FP doesn't have the most steady relationship with her, but whenever he gets a chance to see her, he lights up like the Las Vegas strip. Why do I put up with this? I guess he's being honest at least, and who wouldn't fall for her? Also, I'm hoping that maybe she'll eventually cut him in on her will. You know, just a small token...

Man Do I Need To Get A Life

Am I saying that my work defines me? Yes, I guess so, to a point. I mean, when you meet someone, what's the common questions? Where do you live? What do you do for a living? How big of a loser are you and should I even spend 2 minutes getting to know you?

Anyway, one of the clues that I have too much free time lies beneath the ocean. Okay, it's really freshwater. I am referring to our fish, Pete. Our friend and former lead guitarist of our band (which is now on hiatus) moved to Indiana so he gave us his betta fish. He brought the fish in a plastic pitcher, and the plastic gems and a big shellfish were in his bowl, which was like a big margarita glass. So, he poured the fish back into the bowl, added some tap water and that was it. He brought some fish flakes and water conditioner too. He didn't really give many directions. He just told us to feed the fish once a day, and that he likes to be where he can see the action. They forgot to feed him once for a few days and he lived, so no problem.

So, a few minutes after we acquired Pete, our cat Stinksy went over to the bowl and started drinking the water. When he realized there was a fish in there, he tried to stick his paw in the water and grab the fish. This is when I decided we needed a tank with a lid on it.

I didn't have much time, so I went to the evil Wal-Mart. I stood in the fish supplies aisle for about 10 minutes trying to choose a tank, out of the 6 possible choices. I went with the one gallon triangular job with the undergravel filter.

So, I went home, read the directions for the tank and set it up and relocated Pete. I put him on the bookshelf in the bedroom because Stinksy never goes up there. After I had done this, I went online and read about keeping bettas and maintaining tanks. Of course some people said they are perfectly happy to live in a teeny tank, and other said a 1.5 gallon to 5 gallon tank was sufficient. Then I was reading about "cycling a tank". This stuff started to scare me. Was I going to kill this fish overnight? Well, I figured he was pretty traumatized already from the plastic pitcher ride in the car to the relocating addresses and tanks. So, I slept on it. I fully expected to wake up to a floating blue fish carcass, but he was alive and swimming.

Anyway, it's been about 6 weeks and he's still alive. I probably spent a total of ten hours online reading up about fish, even though I haven't done much. I do worry about him, because if we don't go into the bedroom much he seems lonely. As soon as I walk into the bedroom he swims to the closest side of the tank. If I move from one side of the tank to the other, he follows me. I wish I had unlimited finances and knowledge to build a a tubelike extension to the fish tank that could go all the way across the apartment so he could hang out with us more often. I don't have the unlimited finances or knowledge, so I just go and visit with him when I think of it during the day. And at night when he's tucked deep in his seashell, I try not to wake him up when I go into the bedroom. So, here's my question for the day: do fish have feelings?

Squirrel Poop

If anyone is reading this, please respond with some answers!!!!!! I've been wondering where squirrels poop, and what it looks like. When I google this topic, there is no answer that satisfies me. One person said they shit in their hollow trees or from the branches of trees and it disperses and is so small you don't notice. And someone else said they can go while in motion, so it spreads out and you don't notice. But really, where do squirrels shit? And does anyone have photographic evidence of it?

In high school, my friends and I gave my BFF this flying squirrel she had been eyeing in the pet store. I don't recall seeing this thing take a shit or even what the shit looked like. That is an altogether different case though - a wild animal in captivity. That was an unfortunate purchase btw. This thing was freaked out and scared shitless. And I think we got like a 10 gallon terrarium for it, which obviously wasn't big enough. It escaped when we brought it to her, and it was a nightmare getting the thing under control. It crawled all the way up one friend's leg, totally freaking her out. So, the flying squirrel was named Satan, I believe. Poor thing didn't last very long, although I don't imagine their lifespan is very long anyway. The things one used to be able to find in pet stores way back when....

My first apartment in Boston was across from Boston Common. I can't tell you if there were more hippies walking around out in the open smoking weed or more squirrels there. But the squirrels were used to handouts from people. One time, this squirrel jumped up on the back of a bench as I was walking by. It was like begging for food. So, I happened to have a bite sized snickers. I don't know if I had been eating one, or maybe the squirrel's little keen nose smelled them in my back pack. So, I unwrapped the bite sized Snickers and offered it up to the little fella. He/She grabbed it out of my hand and started nibbling on it, no fear, no shame. It just gobbled it up. No one ever believes that story.

Here in San Diego, America's Finest City, they were poisoning squirrels and gophers at Balboa Park. So, because people who use the park were directly or indirectly feeding these animals, the populations grew. The park was being overrun with these animals and diminishing visitors enjoyment of the park. So, they were poisoned. I am not sure what the stance is currently. I know a lot of people put up a big stink so it was stopped at least temporarily. I wonder if that's ever been a proposed solution to the growing population of transients here in America's Finest City? Just throw out a bunch of poisoned pizzas on every street corner downtown and in the bushes in Balboa Park, and let it do it's thing. Well, it's just about as outrageous as leaving poisoned bait in a public park...

What time do they close the bouncy castle?

So, I live in a predominantly Mexican neighborhood. So, if you're not familiar with the culture of the Mexican family, every time someone has a birthday, they have a backyard fiesta with music, tons of food and drink and they rent tables and chairs and tents if they don't own them. If it's a kid's birthday party, they rent a bouncy castle. The family next door rented a Justin Bieber bouncy castle. They were inflating it around 11 am this morning. So, now, it's 10:10 pm, and I hear the scream of little kids, then silence. So, I guess the bouncy castle closed at 10 pm. Which is the normal time that hotel pools close, so that makes sense.

Speaking of Justin Bieber, it makes me think of guilty pleasure TV shows and movies. So, let's make a list of guilty pleasure stuff that I like in no particular order. I am not going to include obvious shows like Family Guy, because, most everyone watched those at one point or another. Guilty Pleasure suggests that it's embarrassing, even though I'm not really embarrassed of what I watch.

1. Degrassi. If you've never heard of it, you're missing out. It's like the preteen/teen show that was edgy, before My So Called Life, Freaks and Geeks, 90210, The Secret Life of The American Teenager, etc. I watched Degrassi Junior High when Spike was pregnant, and then wheeling a baby carriage with baby Emma around school. Then several years later, I learned that there was a Degrassi The Next Generation, with Emma and her pals as the stars. There were issues like stds, homosexuality, and bullying and school shootings. This later morphed into just Degrassi. I admit, the cast and plots are a little lacking the last few years, but I still watch. Right now there is a new episode Monday thru Thursday. The hot new topic is a female teacher/ male student relationship.

2. Twilight movies. I don't have much to say about these, just that I watched the first two when the FP was out of town. I do not believe he could tolerate more than 2 minutes of one of these movies, so I wouldn't even attempt to subject him to them.

3. Frankly, I can probably watch any teen high school or college comedy/drama. For a while Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared was on TV around midnight, so I've now seen most of those episodes in the past year.

4. Breaking Bad. I only started watching it this summer when all the previous seasons were on, 3 episodes a night, every night leading to the season premier. I recorded and watched every one, except I missed episode two or three from the first season. This show is so addicting, ha ha. But hasn't everyone always wondered what it would be like if a really amazing chemist decided to make illicit drugs? Well, I'm sure this is the case. I like to believe that the people who make those beautiful sheets of acid that produce this mind expanding life altering inspiring trip are these amazing brilliant minds that just do this for the benefit of mankind on the side when they are not curing cancer. Does acid even exist anymore, anyway? Not that I've done it, I'm just asking. I know that a lot of this stuff went around in the 60s, I think, and I heard it was groovy.

5. Tosh.O C'mon. Who doesn't find this show mind numbingly piss your pants funny? And I'm pretty sure there's a running joke as to how many gay jokes about Daniel Tosh can be fit in an episode, along with the one mandatory naked scene by him in every episode.

6. Chelsea Lately/ After Lately. Honestly, I like After Lately more now. But, both are funny and while I would die to work with Chelsea Handler, I would die if I had to work with her. I don't think my nerves could handle it, as I'm already kinda paranoid to begin with. I would have to just drink like she does and take massive amounts of anti anxiety meds and sedatives.

7. Jersey Shore. Yes. Really. Love it.

8. Locked Up Abroad. Amazing show. It's about people who get jailed or held hostage in a foreign country. It's such a shame how all the ones who got caught with drugs were innocent helpless creatures who didn't have a choice or felt forced into it or thought it was going to be pot but it turns out it was cocaine or heroin instead. Anyway, if you haven't seen this show, watch it.

9. Vanished with Beth Holloway. Thank goodness that the mother of the teenager, Natalie Holloway, who was murdered by Joran Van der Sloot in Aruba, got herself a job. But actually, this is a great show about unsolved mysteries of people who disappeared. I guess Beth Holloway is just following in the footsteps of John Walsh with his America's Most Wanted show.

10. Fatal Attractions on Animal Planet. OMG! Such a gory good tragic show! It's about people who own exotic pets who end up maiming or killing them. People getting eaten by their own snakes and wolves and stuff. There was the one lady just in the news, Charla Nash, who was the subject of one episode. Her friend's chimp ripped her face off. Such a great show. Which still doesn't dissuade me from the idea that if I were to come upon a lion or tiger in the wild that they wouldn't kill me, they would just want to snuggle up with me and take a nap because we would have a mutual understanding.

There you have it. Guilty Pleasures.

One parting thought. Is there any adult bouncy castle bars? Hm... you wouldn't be allowed to have a drink in the bouncy castle I guess, and if you were drunk you might throw up in it. So, maybe it's not the best idea. But every once in a while, it would be nice to have a late night bounce. Boy, I miss my BFF's trampoline.....

Unnecessary Commentary

So, yeah. Day 4.

I want to write about a couple different topics today.

FACEBOOK

So, a friend, as in my friend's ex-husband, posted on Facebook, or FB. There was a long thread of responses, which is always a score, right? Anyhoo, I posted a comment, and my friend's ex-husband's girlfriend "liked" it. I've never met her, but I can't help but feeling a bit like a traitor. Commiserating with the other woman. I realize I didn't directly reach out to her and say, like my comment, please, but maybe I did by posting on her boyfriend's wall?


TAMPONS

So, if you like to track women's "periods" I am sitting on a big globule of punctuation right now. TMI? Well, one friend I used to work with(a self proclaimed homosexual, although I think he's bi) liked to mentally track the ends of declarative statements (periods) of all his female coworkers. So, like, for instance, if I said I felt weak, he would say, "Are you on your period?" with a deadpan expression. He just wanted to know. Then he would say, "So and So's (identity obscured to protect privacy) period should be next week, so maybe you're PMSing. Really.

Anyway, this topic was about tampons, not the monthly bill. So, I don't like Tampax. BTW, to all you men that don't know the difference between brands and actual product names, Tampax is a brand of tampon, not a maxi pad. Kotex is a brand too. It's tampons or pads. Anyway, I got this box of Playtex sport tampons. They have inspirational saying on them, like fortune cookies. Really. No jokes, bro. Like because of this added bonus, I'm going to make sure to buy this brand again. So, here's my take on it. Instead of adding "in bed" at the end of the phrase, you say "when sticking this wad of cotton (and rayon and polyester and Polysorbate 20 ((isn't that in ice cream? (((no, I know it's polysorbate 80))) )) ) up your cunt.

Oh, I'm sorry, did the word cunt offend you? I'm not using it in a derogatory way. You should read this book - Cunt by Inga Muscio. It's very inspiring, and it's about owning the word cunt.

Anyhoo, getting back to the tampon phrases:

"Be passionate" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Care about efforts not outcomes" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Stay focused on what matters most" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Go play. I've got your back" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt. (whew! That's I relief!)

"Reach for the finish line" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"The sky's the limit" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Play by your own rules" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"What's your game plan" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Neither one of us are giver uppers" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Go, fight, win!" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Go with your gut" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Sports builds character" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"The score doesn't tell the whole story" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.


Okay, I had trouble writing this because I was laughing so hard. Yes, I was laughing at my own jokes. I need to quit while I'm ahead.

Christening the Blog

So, I already have two blogs. One is all about food I eat. It's called "The Pork Porn Pages." I know, who the fuck wants to read that? Some people do. I try to make it humorous. The other blog is like a secret page that I write for myself. It's about myself in relation to my dad, who I suspect has Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. It's called "My Personal Story - Putting a Name to My Dad's BPD". This one is more serious. I feel strange about actively sharing this one because I really don't know much about BPD, so I'm speculating. Also, the subject matter is very personal. Very heavy reading, if anyone were to read it. I think, to date, either zero, one, two or three people have read it.

So, why another blog? Well, for one reason, I'm unemployed and I need to keep myself occupied. I don't really have friends currently, well, not ones that live in the same city that I talk to regularly or hang out with. So, I can have a one sided conversation here about things that come up during the day. I sometimes annoy my husband, TFP (the Food Pimp) with my rambling, so this is another outlet.

So, I use the word "so" a lot to start paragraphs. I also use "anyway" or "anyhoo". I have a degree in writing, but please don't point out my improper use of grammar, misspellings, improper use of tenses and point of view - which is usually first person.

Here's my musings for the day:

CARS

I walked to Albertson's this evening, which is a little over a mile away. I saw three Volkswagen GTIs, two red, one white. Did you ever notice how most GTIs are always shiny and clean with fancy rims, even though they are this tiny car?

On the corner of 19th and Broadway, I passed by a pretty grey newer model Honda Element. When I looked across the street caddy corner, or kitty corner as I prefer, I saw an identical grey Honda Element.

On Broadway and 16th, a black Nissan Cube and a white Nissan Cube passed each other. The white one was dirty and had a white girl driving it. The black one was clean and shiny and had a black guy driving it. Okay, I wasn't sure if it was a black guy, but I wanted it to be a black guy. As I was musing over this, another black Nissan Cube drove by, and there was definitely a black woman driving it. Closure.




MEETING STRANGERS


First incident

I usually leave the front door open in the apartment during the day, leaving the security door locked. I was about to brush my teeth, when I heard someone walk up my stairs and yell hello. The voice almost sounded like the FP's voice, so I thought he came back because he forgot something. It was some strange guy instead, maybe Hawaiian. He had a clipboard, so I thought maybe he had a package to deliver, in the literal sense, mind you. So, I walked out, and I realized he was selling subscriptions to the Union Tribune (good luck with that dead end job, buddy). Okay, so even if I knew what he wanted, the door was open and I couldn't have hid once I saw him.

So, he showed me pictures of him and his cute little daughter and cute old mother. Weird, I began to think it was a religious thing or save the children charity. But no, newspapers. He gave me a paper, then he gave me the spiel. It's like dirt cheap. Less than $2 a week or something. I don't read the paper. If there is something in the paper I need to read, I can usually find it online. I gave him the I'm unemployed spiel. He said it was cheap, and that I needed to stay informed about the local food scene and that there were coupons. I said that I read about the "local scene" online and I need to reference more publications than just the local paper, some of the publications being only online.

That was a lie. I honestly don't really keep abreast of the local food scene too well. It's a flaw of mine. I just don't feel the urge. Anyway, I told him I just don't read the paper and I was sorry. But he said it was really cheap. I said I had really bad financial problems, and his parting words as he was descending the stairwell were, I live in my car.





Second incident

I was walking up the hill back home from Albertson's, and this cute family was standing on the sidewalk ahead of me next to the weird 2 story hovel that I had entertained the idea of renting when a for lease sign went up in front of it. They were kind of looking at me, as anyone standing on the sidewalk looks at someone who is passing them. I said hi. You know how there's often the greeting standoff, like who will pull the trigger first? I was almost halfway past them with direct eye contact, so I had to say hi. The dad asked me if I worked at my former place of employment (which I can't reveal for the sake of anonymity). I said that I used to, and he said he knew because he worked with one of the purveyors that delivered there. I said, his face looked familiar, but I didn't know why. All the while, I was still walking, so he said bye and I did too.

As I rounded the corner, I thought I should have been more chatty - asked his name, asked if they lived in the dump that I had briefly covetted, asked if they still delivered to my former place of employment. It would be nice to make acquaintance with people in our age group who live around the corner. But, alas, I don't really have friends and I'm out of practice how to make new ones. Maybe I'll see them on a walk down the street another time.