Pubes

So, maybe about six weeks ago, I was reading a City Beat opinion article about getting grey pubes.  Gray Matters by Enrique Limon.  Hilarious fucking article.  Lo and behold, a week or two later, I notice this long ass grey pube.  On my body.  In my bush.  It was long.  I do clean up and shave so I'm not sporting untamed 70s bush, but I don't like trim the long stuff so it gets to be a few inches.  Now that you know too much about me, let me delve even deeper (into the bush).

So, in his article (you really should just read it, and this would be easier for both of us), Limon discusses how the one light hair turned into several overnight.  Guess what happened to me?  The next day I had three.  I was horrified.  It's one thing to read some article about it written by some guy I don't know.  It's another to experience this first hand.  The thing is, I don't have grey hairs on my head.  That day I noticed the pubes, I made the FP look through my hair (the hair on my head, that is) for greys.  None.  Weird.  Seemingly unfair.  I just feel like if I had grey hair on my head first, it would have softened the blow for the ones in my bush.  I guess this is normal timing though according to Limon's research.

Anyway, I got over that and don't really think about it that much.  Currently, I still only see like two to four down there.  I don't feel like digging around down there and separating them out to count.  I am typing on the computer, so that would mean I would have to stop and go wash my hands after I finish counting.  That makes me wonder though, do any of you masturbate while on the computer?  I'm just wondering, like if you're having internet sex or something, and you have to type and get yourself off at the same time, isn't that gross?  Just think of all the dirty germs on that keyboard.  Or maybe you have a computer condom that you use and then you take off after you've done the deed?

So, lately though, I've noticed something else going on with my pubes.  So, this will happen at home, but it seems to happen more when I'm in a public bathroom.  When I use the facilities, when I wipe, a pube will fall out and land on the toilet seat.  So, it happens more in the public facility because I don't sit on those toilets.  I kind of hover above it.  It's good exercise like doing squats.  It seems like every time in a public toilet there's a pubic hair on the toilet seat.  So, unless the bathroom is totally disgusting and there was piss on the seat before, I wipe my piss and my pube off the seat.

It just seems like I'm losing more pubes than usual.  Let's say one every other time I go.  And I do have to pee an average of 8 times a day.  Yeah, I know, that probably sounds like a lot.  I did mention this to the doctor, so don't worry, it's being looked into.  Anyway, my bush does seem a little thinner.  When I was younger, before I started landscaping, it was a big shrub.  I remember, I would have to try to smooth it down so it didn't protrude from my bathing suit.  Well, when that started being an issue, I realized that I was going to have to learn to garden.

Anyway, getting back to the present day, I mean, I guess I don't notice shedding them unless it's one that's left behind on the toilet or in the tub.  Anyway, I googled, "do you lose your pubic hair as you get older?"  So, I found the answers.com question, "do older women lose their pubic hair?"  The answer was that as women (and men) age the hair on their bodies gets thinner.  But then, it was mentioned that depending on age, this could be an indication of malnutrition or thyroid disorder. Ding ding ding... maybe I do have hyperthyroidism?  I guess we'll find out on Nov. 7.  I have been pulling small clumps of hair out of my head when I wash it, but that doesn't necessarily seem like anything out of the ordinary since I figured I'm just in the shedding stage instead of the growing stage.  I wish I would just shed more under my arms and on my legs instead of my head.  I guess as long as I don't go bald below like a Pamela Anderson thing, I don't care that much if it thins out some.

Man, even though this is more of a health & beauty issue, this blog is probably going to be banned from google adsense for life!

You Gotta Play The Part

So, on a rare occasion we are going out on a Friday night.  With friends.  No band gig.  So, even though I took a shower last night and didn't exert much effort today thus didn't perspire, I took a shower again tonight.  So, these friends of ours have been married just a year.  And they just moved into a new house.    We are going to meet them for "beer and cheap eats"  so I'm going to assume that they are not pregnant. Yet.  They plan things.  So, I'm sure they will shortly start trying to get pregnant.

Anyhoo, their names on the food blog were Mr. Interested In You (Mr. IIY) and Valley Girl (her condo was in Mission Valley).  So, they are great.  Mr. IIY is like the most genial guy.  He's like just a really nice guy who remembers conversations with people and he's a good conversation starter.  He looks like a younger Kurt Warner, the retired Arizona Cardinals quarterback.  One of our friends had a crush on him so much, that her boyfriend's mom warned the boyfriend to watch out for girlfriend and Mr. IIY.  It's fine now though.  That other couple are engaged and successful and doing very well together.

Valley Girl is like a great person too.  She looks kind of innocent.  Just like her face looks so sweet, and maybe the way she dresses.  But, she's fun and she does like to party.  And she looks like my dear friend from Nola, who used to be a party girl back in the day.  So, they are a great couple and it's always great to hang out with them on rare occasions.

So, this couple makes people question their appearance when going out with them.  Okay, it makes the FP and me question our appearance.  Like, if the two of us were just going for drinks, I would put the first going out compatible bottoms on, and any comfortable shirt.  I probably wouldn't do anything to my hair if it didn't look too fucked up.  But what did I do tonight?  I brushed my hair.  This is generally no easy task, as it's usually all knotted and dreaded up.  But luckily, I had washed and combed my hair yesterday, and put tons of frizz ease in it.  So It just needed about 5 more pumps of frizz ease and a fast brush through.  But then I looked at myself in the mirror, and I noticed my part.

So, I part my hair on the left.  I think I always have.  I know there have been times way back when, when a stylist has tried to part it on the right, and then quickly flipped it back.  So anyway, my part was about half an inch too far in the center.  It was more like an exercise, work or housecleaning part.  Yes, there is a difference.  If it's parted more to the side, then it is more likely to fall in my face, which is fine for socializing, bad for working.

And really, you say, does a part that much more to the side make that much of a difference?  Well, yeah.  One time, I don't recall if it was one of the FP's other band's show or one of our band's show, but, I had carefully washed my hair, combed and brushed it, and put the part in the appropriate location.  I mean, sometimes you have to redo your part, or move a couple hairs to this side, a couple to that side.  Sometimes if I'm feeling ambitious I'll do the crisscross part.  Anyway,  I didn't style it.  I just washed, combed and parted it.  I might have put the frizz ease in if we had some.  But, like, everyone commented on how nice my hair looked.  Like, it was like, what did you do different?  My answer was, I washed it.

So, I'm feeling pretty sassy, like I should be on a Garnier Fructis commercial.  I mean, I've used that shit long enough to be a damn spokesperson.

Fruity Clean

So, as you might know, I don't always shower daily. I don't want to strip my aging skin of essential oils by over showering and drying out my skin. Nah, that's not really why. I just don't feel the need to shower to sit around the apartment all day long and alternate between blogging, going on facebook, craigslist and ebay, and watching That 70s show (which is always on).

However, when I do shower, I end up smelling like ambrosia salad. I have been using the same brand shampoo and conditioner for years. Why? Just because one day I was walking down the street, and a woman I was passing stopped me and said my hair smelled great. She asked what shampoo I used. Garnier Fructis, I replied. An unfamiliar female complimenting my hair is one of the ultimate compliments. Okay, I have tried other shampoos at around the same price point, but they're not as good. Anyway, it smells citrusy fresh.

So then, there's the soap. We've become a body wash family. The FP is so manly that he isn't afraid to also smell like a fruit salad. We don't have a go to brand of body wash, but I will say the cheapest ones are not a bargain. They are really too watery, and they leave one feeling not so fresh unless one uses way more product. Currently, we are using Clean and Clear mango papaya flavored soap with bursting beads filled with fruit extract. Personally, I would prefer to have a creamy relaxing moisturizing body wash, and an exfoliating energizing one as well. But, sadly, we are not a two body wash income family. One of the more memorable flavors is the suave coconut one with bits of coconut husk for scrubbing action. But, you know, there's like any flavor available, really, apricot, orange, tangerine, strawberry, raspberry, green tea, chamomile, lavender, passion fruit, kiwi, mango, cocoa, vanilla, acai berry, cucumber. You name it, there is probably a soap somewhere with that fragrance.

Of course, there's also the important hair serum for after. Currently, I'm using this coconut milk flavored stuff that smells like coconut cake. I love it. I'm like a walking dessert. I'm like tutti frutti gelato.

Not everyone is big on smelling like sweets, though. I really don't quite understand it, but that is the way it is. Especially guys. Those manly body washes are usually overbearing. They just smell like cheap cologne to me. If we stick with the food theme, body washes for men could be more...savory. Like, steak. How's that for a manly smell? Or fried chicken. I love the smell of fried chicken! Maybe even french fries. Spaghetti and meatballs, pizza, philly cheesesteak? There could be non edible scents as well, I guess. Fresh cut grass - nothing more manly than that. Brand new sneakers? For the rock stars - Fender Telecaster or Gibson Les Paul. Crisp hundred dollar bill. Gold jewelry. New luxury sports car smell? So, the guy wouldn't have to actually have the car, he could just smell like it, way cheaper. So, who wants to start a male body wash line of products? We will blow Axe away!

Unnecessary Commentary

So, yeah. Day 4.

I want to write about a couple different topics today.

FACEBOOK

So, a friend, as in my friend's ex-husband, posted on Facebook, or FB. There was a long thread of responses, which is always a score, right? Anyhoo, I posted a comment, and my friend's ex-husband's girlfriend "liked" it. I've never met her, but I can't help but feeling a bit like a traitor. Commiserating with the other woman. I realize I didn't directly reach out to her and say, like my comment, please, but maybe I did by posting on her boyfriend's wall?


TAMPONS

So, if you like to track women's "periods" I am sitting on a big globule of punctuation right now. TMI? Well, one friend I used to work with(a self proclaimed homosexual, although I think he's bi) liked to mentally track the ends of declarative statements (periods) of all his female coworkers. So, like, for instance, if I said I felt weak, he would say, "Are you on your period?" with a deadpan expression. He just wanted to know. Then he would say, "So and So's (identity obscured to protect privacy) period should be next week, so maybe you're PMSing. Really.

Anyway, this topic was about tampons, not the monthly bill. So, I don't like Tampax. BTW, to all you men that don't know the difference between brands and actual product names, Tampax is a brand of tampon, not a maxi pad. Kotex is a brand too. It's tampons or pads. Anyway, I got this box of Playtex sport tampons. They have inspirational saying on them, like fortune cookies. Really. No jokes, bro. Like because of this added bonus, I'm going to make sure to buy this brand again. So, here's my take on it. Instead of adding "in bed" at the end of the phrase, you say "when sticking this wad of cotton (and rayon and polyester and Polysorbate 20 ((isn't that in ice cream? (((no, I know it's polysorbate 80))) )) ) up your cunt.

Oh, I'm sorry, did the word cunt offend you? I'm not using it in a derogatory way. You should read this book - Cunt by Inga Muscio. It's very inspiring, and it's about owning the word cunt.

Anyhoo, getting back to the tampon phrases:

"Be passionate" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Care about efforts not outcomes" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Stay focused on what matters most" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Go play. I've got your back" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt. (whew! That's I relief!)

"Reach for the finish line" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"The sky's the limit" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Play by your own rules" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"What's your game plan" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Neither one of us are giver uppers" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Go, fight, win!" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Go with your gut" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"Sports builds character" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.

"The score doesn't tell the whole story" when sticking this wad of cotton up your cunt.


Okay, I had trouble writing this because I was laughing so hard. Yes, I was laughing at my own jokes. I need to quit while I'm ahead.