Sometimes I feel left out of Facebook. I don't have a dog or a kid, and often posts of one's dog or kid dominate the news feed. So, I feel like I should go out in public and ask to take pictures of other people's dogs and kids, and then post them on facebook like they are mine. Do you think people will get creeped out if I do that?
Sometimes I feel left out of Twitter. I don't have a personal account. Well, I just took time to set up an account for this blog. Not sure why. Oh yeah, because I don't know what to write about here, so it was a 3 minute distraction setting up my account.
I just finished this book, "The Lampshade A Holocaust Detective Story From Buchenwald to New Orleans". I don't remember how I heard about the book, but I bought it on Amazon.com for like a buck. Sad, because it came out last year.
Anyway, it's, as you can guess a book about a human skin lampshade. The publisher very cleverly made the book cover out of this sheer white paper with the title on it, and the photo of the lamp in on the hardback cover of the book. So, the photo is pretty stunning. You can see the patterns really lit up on the shade. Human skin lampshade. I wonder if someone would do that for me? Make my skin into a lamp, and I can make the FP use it as his bedside nightlight if he's still alive.
I know, I'm sick. I'm always plotting what I want done with my body when I'm dead. I mean, it's important. The final disposal of one's body. I still like the idea of my ashes being used to fertilize a plant or being scattered in the ocean. But I also love the idea of being stuffed and the FP can keep me in the bed next to him, or sitting on the couch in front of the TV, with the stuffed The Fuzz on my lap. His two favorite girls!
Getting back to the lampshade. Well, I don't want to spoil the book for you in case you go out and buy it or download it onto your kindle or your nook or ipad. The thing about the lampshade was that the author was haunted by this inanimate object that was once an animate object. And in creating this nonfictional narrative, the author wrote a haunting book about a haunting lampshade.
If you found what looked like a human skin lampshade, say in an antique shop for sale for $20, would you buy it? And if you would, what would you do with it? Would you use it? Would you try to analyze it? Most likely, one would regret taking possession of such a thing, but then the age old question, how to get rid of such a thing? You don't just leave a human skin lampshade out on the curb for some unsuspecting dumpster diver to collect and unwittingly take possession of. Yes, I choose to end that sentence with a preposition. And it was an overly wordy sentence anyway.
I find it creepy that people collect Nazi memorabilia, yet I can understand the fascistnation. To own something that a person so cruel owned, someone who could commit atrocities that most people couldn't dream. A nazi gun or a uniform, objects that stand for the ultimate evil in human beings. In that movie American Beauty, the weird neighbor is fascistnated by the Hitler plate (I think that's what it was) like he wanted to eat off it. What would be more interesting to you - a plate of Hitler's or one of Roosevelt or Truman's plates?
The creepiest thing about reading a book like "The Lampshade" is that reading is a solitary task. Unlike a movie, I can't turn to a fellow reader and say, that was crazy! So, I did hand the book over to the FP, but he's so busy, not much chance of him reading it for a while. So, I must carry these thoughts of this book and this lampshade in my head along with all the other uncomfortable thoughts stuff up in there. Man, you don't want to know. I think what I share with you on this blog is sometimes probably TMI already!
So, feel free to read this book and then add your two pfennigs here in my lonely recluse comment section.
The Lampshade
A Holocaust Detective Story From Buchenwald To New Orleans
by Mark Jacobson
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
No Offense But,
I love those three words. It's like saying, "I'm sorry this is what I think of you...." Is there any way you could start a sentence off with "no offense but" and not offend someone? Let's explore this deeper.
No offense but, your derriere is unattractive.
No offense but, your shoes don't match your ugly dress.
No offense, but your makeup is trampy.
No offense, but that shirt accentuates your man boobs and love handles.
No offense, but your wife is a bitch.
No offense, but I hate you.
No offense, but this conversation does not interest me at all.
No offense, but I don't agree with your point of view and I think you are misinformed because you watch Fox News entirely too much.
No offense, but I think your mom drank and smoked when you were in the womb.
No offense, but your blog is not funny whatsoever.
No offense, but you are a terrible friend and all my friends want me to unfriend you.
No offense, but you were a horrible dad.
No offense, but I never talk to you because it's irritating to listen to you go on about stuff, and I know that anything I say will be twisted and used against me later on.
No offense, but you have no business being in the business you are in.
No offense, but you think you are such a foodie, but you're really just a pretentious asshole.
No offense, but your beats are boring, the sound quality sucks, you don't know how to EQ music, and I can't decipher your words that you're so passionately rapping.
No offense, but I don't see what all the fuss is about your hair that it's on the news all the time.
No offense, but I know you were a great quarterback in college and you are probably a nice guy and you love god, but it irritates me when they talk about you on TV.
No offense, but your new TV show sucks, and I've lost some respect for you, no matter how much they are paying you.
No offense, but your new TV show doesn't seem as funny as it should be, and I think it's mainly because you don't know how to act.
No offense, but you're not as fun to pet as the other cat because you try to bite and scratch me.
No offense, but I don't want to eat at your restaurant because it's too american.
No offense, but I don't want to eat at your restaurant because it's so focused on local organic sustainable that I don't taste the soul in your cooking.
No offense, but sometimes I don't feel like having a local beer.
No offense, but I'm not that interested in Comic Con. I mean I'd go if someone gave me a free ticket.
No offense, but your family gives me a major headache and they make me need to drink a lot.
No offense, but you seem like a selfish cold heartless person, it's surprising that you like blues.
No offense, but you dress like you shop at Wal-Mart.
No offense, but I don't see what the big fuss is over your cat. All she does is run away and hide.
No offense, but your dog really is not pretty or sweet, just ugly and slobbery with bad breath and he's always trying to hump everyone.
No offense, but I don't like the Christmas sweater you knitted for me and I'll never wear it.
No offense, but I don't believe in adultery and blow jobs do not equal love.
No offense, but I don't respect you at all or your opinions, in fact you don't exist to me at all.
No offense, but your blog is entirely too long.
No offense, but your farts smell like shit. (There I found one that isn't offensive!)
No offense but, your derriere is unattractive.
No offense but, your shoes don't match your ugly dress.
No offense, but your makeup is trampy.
No offense, but that shirt accentuates your man boobs and love handles.
No offense, but your wife is a bitch.
No offense, but I hate you.
No offense, but this conversation does not interest me at all.
No offense, but I don't agree with your point of view and I think you are misinformed because you watch Fox News entirely too much.
No offense, but I think your mom drank and smoked when you were in the womb.
No offense, but your blog is not funny whatsoever.
No offense, but you are a terrible friend and all my friends want me to unfriend you.
No offense, but you were a horrible dad.
No offense, but I never talk to you because it's irritating to listen to you go on about stuff, and I know that anything I say will be twisted and used against me later on.
No offense, but you have no business being in the business you are in.
No offense, but you think you are such a foodie, but you're really just a pretentious asshole.
No offense, but your beats are boring, the sound quality sucks, you don't know how to EQ music, and I can't decipher your words that you're so passionately rapping.
No offense, but I don't see what all the fuss is about your hair that it's on the news all the time.
No offense, but I know you were a great quarterback in college and you are probably a nice guy and you love god, but it irritates me when they talk about you on TV.
No offense, but your new TV show sucks, and I've lost some respect for you, no matter how much they are paying you.
No offense, but your new TV show doesn't seem as funny as it should be, and I think it's mainly because you don't know how to act.
No offense, but you're not as fun to pet as the other cat because you try to bite and scratch me.
No offense, but I don't want to eat at your restaurant because it's too american.
No offense, but I don't want to eat at your restaurant because it's so focused on local organic sustainable that I don't taste the soul in your cooking.
No offense, but sometimes I don't feel like having a local beer.
No offense, but I'm not that interested in Comic Con. I mean I'd go if someone gave me a free ticket.
No offense, but your family gives me a major headache and they make me need to drink a lot.
No offense, but you seem like a selfish cold heartless person, it's surprising that you like blues.
No offense, but you dress like you shop at Wal-Mart.
No offense, but I don't see what the big fuss is over your cat. All she does is run away and hide.
No offense, but your dog really is not pretty or sweet, just ugly and slobbery with bad breath and he's always trying to hump everyone.
No offense, but I don't like the Christmas sweater you knitted for me and I'll never wear it.
No offense, but I don't believe in adultery and blow jobs do not equal love.
No offense, but I don't respect you at all or your opinions, in fact you don't exist to me at all.
No offense, but your blog is entirely too long.
No offense, but your farts smell like shit. (There I found one that isn't offensive!)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Rainy Coldness
So, the forecast for this past weekend was a cold (cool) front coming in and rain. I guess it was a little slow in coming because it here it is. But I guess it will be gone tomorrow, well the rain will be gone. It will still be cool. It was a sleepy day. The cats have been snoozing away all day, and I might have taken an afternoon nap...which I felt guilty for because I didn't even go jogging this morning. {cramps} But, I did need to mail the rent check, so I had to walk to the mailbox store and buy stamps. Of course, on the way home, I did stop at 7-11 and get a Twix and a smores ice cream sandwich.
Yesterday, my fellow food blogger, Canine Cologne took me to lunch, and she gave me a gift bag of cool stuff - a creative cursing book, a bottle of garlic spice from the "garlic capital of the world", Gilroy, CA, vindaloo spice mix, and Pocky Sticks. So, I ate one pack of sticks in like 3 minutes yesterday afternoon. Then I ate the other pack late at night. I read once on an insomnia website that having a little sugar before bedtime was helpful. Does one pack of Pocky Sticks qualify as "a little"?
Anyway, so back at 7-11, I stood looking at the candy for a couple minutes trying to decide which chocolatey thing did I want, the best quality chocolate, which was a boring smooth Dove bar, or something with other texture going on. I almost grabbed the king size Twix, but why subject myself to that. After all this is not necessary sustenance! Totally unnecessary. And I didn't exercise today. I blame the weather, because it's easier than blaming myself. I did go home down E street though, which is 2 big hills, so that was some exercise, right? Boy did I scarf those two Twix bars down.
So, then, I got on the computer after washing my hands to make sure I didn't smear the computer with chocolate and caramel, and I realized that I should have gotten nail clippers. The old ones kept falling apart, and the last time I tried to use them, they fell into the garbage.
Normally, I would have fished them out, but it was full, and I think there was food and cat poo poo pee pee litter and stuff. So that was the end of those clippers. It was maddening as a kid using my parents' nail clippers. They had the same one or two clippers for years and years and years. I mean from when I could first remember to past when I graduated from....high school, college maybe. So, obviously, they were very dull.
One time when my parents went to Europe, they came back and brought my sisters and I these nice Henckels manicure kits. They were in these leather cases with a leaf design on it. It was very thoughtful, and we used them. Of course, my kit began to start missing stuff. I'm not going to blame anyone, but I have always been anal about putting stuff like that back where it belonged. Because I would get in trouble when I was little for misplacing the scissors. The dull scissors. Clearly, they were supposed to go in the messy cabinet above where the phone was in the kitchen. Anyway, my treasured manicure kit ended up only having like a cuticle stick that I never used, and the clippers, which were messed up. The spring broke, and the sharp edge had nicks in it from cutting guitar strings. The kit ended up being a guitar kit. I'm not sure if it's still floating around in a backpack somewhere or it's finally gone for good. That's why we can't have nice things.
So, I went back out in the spitting rain, more like whiffling rain. I went down E street to the corner market. So, this corner market used to be owned by these middle eastern brothers. I can't remember whether they were Iranian or Iraqi. Anyway, the prices there were ridiculous, and since they didn't sell lottery tickets there I barely ever went in. So all of a sudden, one day, the place didn't open. It wasn't too weird at 12 pm when it wasn't open. Sometimes, if they had been up partying all night, they might open late. But then they were not open at all. The next day, everything except was removed from the floor, and they were taking out the flooring. We figured they must have had a violation and were forced to remodel. So, the floor was being done, and the outside was painted. Then the floor plan was rearranged, and the shelving units were different. And then the place opened, and it was new owners. Mexicans. And the prices were cheaper.
So, today was actually my first time in there. The warped doppler effect door sensor was the same. It starts at a high pitch and bends low, then finishes in the middle. Anyway, I walked in, and the guy said hi. I looked around. It seemed sparse. So I asked him if he had nail clippers. And he pushes the plastic container towards me - "like these?" Perfect. So I grab one, "that's all." "$1.07" So, I give him two dollars out of my stomach zipper pocket of my Paul Frank thrift store hoodie. He asks if I have change. Which I don't. So he hands me a dollar back. What a nice guy. I'll be back. So, I walked back up E street. That's a little exercise for the day, right? 4 times going up and down a hill?
So, I went home and cut my nails straight away. It was nice. Effortless. Usually, with dull clippers it hurts to cut my nails because they are thick. This was nice.
So, now, should I eat dinner or do I want that Smores ice cream sandwich first?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Getting Rid of the Old
So, in our attempt to start our new life and shed the old, we are shedding materials. We already went through all our clothes and gave 5 bags to Goodwill along with our stereo receiver. I sold the Bose speakers to a nice Filipina. I'm trying to sell our square bookshelf, but no bites. Unfortunately, there are a lot of bookshelves on craigslist, so I'll probably have to lower the price or give it away. As long as I don't have to physically carry it out of here, I'll be satisfied.
Right now I am wiping the hard drive of our old desktop computer. We are giving it to our friend. So, it's amazing how quick it is to erase all the data files, but it takes 3 times as long to reset it. It's such a weird big old monster, but it still works, and it will run much faster with no data on it it start.
We also are getting rid of the "credenza". It's not quite a credenza, but we like to call it that. It's pretty cool, but the base got a little fucked up when we moved from New Orleans. Still it's got this ornate carving in the doors. We basically use it as a hall table to put stuff like change and pens and hairspray on, and in the cabinets was all our fancy wedding presents that we don't use much like lead crystal vases and platters. Oh, and also envelopes and the apartment lease, which we refer to when writing the envelope for our rent check. I used to have such a good memory about remembering phone numbers, addresses and account numbers, but my memory is shot. I can never remember the landlady's address.
Sadly, we are also getting rid of our beloved World Market dining room table. We barely ever actually dine at it, because it usually has a bunch of crap on it. Oh, also it's where Pete "lives". It's pretty heavy, and the top needs to be refinished, so we decided it's served us well, but it's time to move on. I really don't even know if we actually need a dining room table....
The only piece of furniture we are keeping is this black and metal Ikea shelving unit. It's kind of flimsy, but it's still nice and functional, and it's light and easy to break down too. Everything else is going, but we can't get rid of most of it until later, or we will be sitting on the floor, putting our stuff on the floor, and laying on the floor too. And with all the ants that we can't seem to get rid of, no thank you. I mean, they can still climb up the furniture, but they tend to go solo on it, not in a single file trail that extends for a few feet.
We are keeping the cats, although, I don't want to think about what it will be like taking them on a 40 hour total road trip. The Fuzz has never travelled any farther than from Del Mar to North Park. And let me tell you, she did not handle that well at all. She cried the whole way home. The whole way. That was like a 15 - 20 minute ride.
We are getting rid of Pete, the fish, probably just put him in a freshwater pond somewhere nearby, maybe at Balboa Park.
Obviously, I kid. Our friends are going to take him, along with our sad plants that need some love. I would like to take Pete, but I don't think he would like the feeling of being in a bowl full of vibrating water for 16 hours a day. He is so spunky and full of personality, so we are sad to be leaving him. I think Stinksy will miss him, and he will miss Stinksy as well. They are like playmates now, ever since I built to protective lean to to put over Pete's tank. Pete will swim up and down around the front of the tank and Stinksy will paw at the tank trying to catch him. And then Stinksy will sometimes just sit or lie there in front of the tank, and they will stare at each other for hours. I noticed that Pete naps a lot more during the day. I think that Stinksy keeps him up at night.
I started packing our pictures that were hanging on the walls, so the spaces where there were things hanging look so bare. But, I figure I should pack what I can. I also packed most of the newer matching plates and a lot of the glasses. It's weird because all of the plates that are left out are mismatching, and a lot of them were plates that were left in our last apartment, as is some of the silverware.
It's a strange transitional period, but it's leading us to an exciting new adventure. At least that's what we keep trying to tell ourselves. So if you live in the area and you want any of our furniture, let me know.
Right now I am wiping the hard drive of our old desktop computer. We are giving it to our friend. So, it's amazing how quick it is to erase all the data files, but it takes 3 times as long to reset it. It's such a weird big old monster, but it still works, and it will run much faster with no data on it it start.
We also are getting rid of the "credenza". It's not quite a credenza, but we like to call it that. It's pretty cool, but the base got a little fucked up when we moved from New Orleans. Still it's got this ornate carving in the doors. We basically use it as a hall table to put stuff like change and pens and hairspray on, and in the cabinets was all our fancy wedding presents that we don't use much like lead crystal vases and platters. Oh, and also envelopes and the apartment lease, which we refer to when writing the envelope for our rent check. I used to have such a good memory about remembering phone numbers, addresses and account numbers, but my memory is shot. I can never remember the landlady's address.
Sadly, we are also getting rid of our beloved World Market dining room table. We barely ever actually dine at it, because it usually has a bunch of crap on it. Oh, also it's where Pete "lives". It's pretty heavy, and the top needs to be refinished, so we decided it's served us well, but it's time to move on. I really don't even know if we actually need a dining room table....
The only piece of furniture we are keeping is this black and metal Ikea shelving unit. It's kind of flimsy, but it's still nice and functional, and it's light and easy to break down too. Everything else is going, but we can't get rid of most of it until later, or we will be sitting on the floor, putting our stuff on the floor, and laying on the floor too. And with all the ants that we can't seem to get rid of, no thank you. I mean, they can still climb up the furniture, but they tend to go solo on it, not in a single file trail that extends for a few feet.
We are keeping the cats, although, I don't want to think about what it will be like taking them on a 40 hour total road trip. The Fuzz has never travelled any farther than from Del Mar to North Park. And let me tell you, she did not handle that well at all. She cried the whole way home. The whole way. That was like a 15 - 20 minute ride.
We are getting rid of Pete, the fish, probably just put him in a freshwater pond somewhere nearby, maybe at Balboa Park.
Obviously, I kid. Our friends are going to take him, along with our sad plants that need some love. I would like to take Pete, but I don't think he would like the feeling of being in a bowl full of vibrating water for 16 hours a day. He is so spunky and full of personality, so we are sad to be leaving him. I think Stinksy will miss him, and he will miss Stinksy as well. They are like playmates now, ever since I built to protective lean to to put over Pete's tank. Pete will swim up and down around the front of the tank and Stinksy will paw at the tank trying to catch him. And then Stinksy will sometimes just sit or lie there in front of the tank, and they will stare at each other for hours. I noticed that Pete naps a lot more during the day. I think that Stinksy keeps him up at night.
I started packing our pictures that were hanging on the walls, so the spaces where there were things hanging look so bare. But, I figure I should pack what I can. I also packed most of the newer matching plates and a lot of the glasses. It's weird because all of the plates that are left out are mismatching, and a lot of them were plates that were left in our last apartment, as is some of the silverware.
It's a strange transitional period, but it's leading us to an exciting new adventure. At least that's what we keep trying to tell ourselves. So if you live in the area and you want any of our furniture, let me know.
Monday, October 3, 2011
This one is like the Cleveland Show
So, not that I am in any way comparing myself to the great and almighty Seth McFarlane... but I have three blogs. So, not to compare, but the original blog, the Pork Porn Pages, is like my Family Guy. I mean it's exactly like it. Just as hilarious. Okay, no.
But so that was the blog where I figured what kind of stuff I would write about. How it would write. How far I could go. Ok, I haven't figured out how far I can go, but I'm working on it. Anyway, the Pork Porn Pages is the original.
The other blog that is pretty neglected is My Personal Story - Putting A Name to My Dad's BPD. This is my deeper darker spilling my guts about my relationship to my dad blog. I really am not going to relate it to American Dad, except to say that they are both the least popular. It's pretty heavy, and I can't bare to deal with writing on it regularly, but it's up there for your viewing... pleasure.
And my last, Unnecessary Supplement, is like a new puppy that I love to spend time with and play with every day! The other two are kind of older and think they are too grown up and get carried away in their own directions without me. But this blog I can still mold as I please. Ah, Cleveland Show. I love the way the writers can decide to use prior information from Family Guy or choose to ignore it. Like Cleveland Junior - he was a small hyperactive kid on Family Guy, and now he's a fat soft spoken nerdy daddy's boy. Anyway, there's some material that I've been holding back. I'm not sure whether to put in into the American Dad blog or put it here in the Cleveland Show blog.... but I hope you people continue to keep reading and tell other likeminded people to read.
On to other things.
So, I think when I wrote the blog late last night, I forgot to continue with the bad smells at the club. I told you about the guy who farted behind us. When we smelled it and turned and looked at him, the FP said, vegetarians have stinky farts. That was funny.
Then later on, we were standing against a fence on the edge of the patio, talking to our friend and his friend. Everyone was just conversating, but then all of a sudden, I smelled this horrific smell. I looked at everyone, but no one was letting on that they smelled it. Just talking. So, it smelled like old food, then shit, then...sewage. The open kitchen door was on the other side of the fence. We were standing near a manhole cover. I assume one of those things, or both was the culprit. Grease trap. That's what it smelled like. If you've never smelled a grease trap or septic tank being pumped, then just go to the back of a restaurant sometime when you see a truck there with a big hose stuck in the ground. Just stand even 20 feet away from the thing and wait for the apocalypse.
But why did no one else smell that? Later on, when I asked the FP if he had smelled it, he had no idea what I was talking about. Was I crazy? Was I hallucinating smells? Was it all in my head? Or was it a ghostly smell - elusive, and smelled only by believers with the special sense? That was weird though. How could I, who cannot smell anything very well, be smelling such a disgusting vile repulsive reeking odor while no one else even got a whiff of it? I mean, it was so bad that if someone smelled it at all, they would have to comment. I was pretty fucked up, ok, really fucked up, so I wasn't really talking much. I didn't want to call more attention to myself, so I just stood there in silence contemplating the fantom smell.
Anyhoo, you should look up that band, Kindest Lines. They are like, dark snyth, dance, goth industrial, post punk? Stereogum.com mentions "Cure-esque" which is very fitting. There's some Depeche Mode in there too.
http://www.facebook.com/kindestlines
kindestlines.blogspot.com
myspace.com/kindestlines
wierdrecords.com
But so that was the blog where I figured what kind of stuff I would write about. How it would write. How far I could go. Ok, I haven't figured out how far I can go, but I'm working on it. Anyway, the Pork Porn Pages is the original.
The other blog that is pretty neglected is My Personal Story - Putting A Name to My Dad's BPD. This is my deeper darker spilling my guts about my relationship to my dad blog. I really am not going to relate it to American Dad, except to say that they are both the least popular. It's pretty heavy, and I can't bare to deal with writing on it regularly, but it's up there for your viewing... pleasure.
And my last, Unnecessary Supplement, is like a new puppy that I love to spend time with and play with every day! The other two are kind of older and think they are too grown up and get carried away in their own directions without me. But this blog I can still mold as I please. Ah, Cleveland Show. I love the way the writers can decide to use prior information from Family Guy or choose to ignore it. Like Cleveland Junior - he was a small hyperactive kid on Family Guy, and now he's a fat soft spoken nerdy daddy's boy. Anyway, there's some material that I've been holding back. I'm not sure whether to put in into the American Dad blog or put it here in the Cleveland Show blog.... but I hope you people continue to keep reading and tell other likeminded people to read.
On to other things.
So, I think when I wrote the blog late last night, I forgot to continue with the bad smells at the club. I told you about the guy who farted behind us. When we smelled it and turned and looked at him, the FP said, vegetarians have stinky farts. That was funny.
Then later on, we were standing against a fence on the edge of the patio, talking to our friend and his friend. Everyone was just conversating, but then all of a sudden, I smelled this horrific smell. I looked at everyone, but no one was letting on that they smelled it. Just talking. So, it smelled like old food, then shit, then...sewage. The open kitchen door was on the other side of the fence. We were standing near a manhole cover. I assume one of those things, or both was the culprit. Grease trap. That's what it smelled like. If you've never smelled a grease trap or septic tank being pumped, then just go to the back of a restaurant sometime when you see a truck there with a big hose stuck in the ground. Just stand even 20 feet away from the thing and wait for the apocalypse.
But why did no one else smell that? Later on, when I asked the FP if he had smelled it, he had no idea what I was talking about. Was I crazy? Was I hallucinating smells? Was it all in my head? Or was it a ghostly smell - elusive, and smelled only by believers with the special sense? That was weird though. How could I, who cannot smell anything very well, be smelling such a disgusting vile repulsive reeking odor while no one else even got a whiff of it? I mean, it was so bad that if someone smelled it at all, they would have to comment. I was pretty fucked up, ok, really fucked up, so I wasn't really talking much. I didn't want to call more attention to myself, so I just stood there in silence contemplating the fantom smell.
Anyhoo, you should look up that band, Kindest Lines. They are like, dark snyth, dance, goth industrial, post punk? Stereogum.com mentions "Cure-esque" which is very fitting. There's some Depeche Mode in there too.
http://www.facebook.com/kindestlines
kindestlines.blogspot.com
myspace.com/kindestlines
wierdrecords.com
Who Farted?
So, for those of you who don't know me and have never read this blog before (I feel like I've prefaced a couple of blog entries with that statement) I am what one might term negative. I have a nasty attitude and every little mishap that happens to me - the kind of stuff that happens to everyone - is the end of the world and an atrocity to mankind. Like this little hurricane so many years ago named "Katrina". Oh, if you haven't heard my story, you're lucky. Because if I tell it to you, it will be way too detailed, and you'll feel the need to interject an "Oh my god" or "I can't believe you had to live through that" or such at certain times. I mean, honestly, it was much worse for so many more people than me...like... say the people who died, or that man whose wife was torn from him as they were trying to hang on for dear life on top of their roof.
Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about... me. Oh yeah, that's what this fucking blog is about. A one way conversation, or a monologue.
So, my pessimism even infiltrates my sense of smell. So, I have a horribly shitty sense of smell. Which is funny, because I am a cook. It really helps a lot to have a good sense of smell in the business. The funny thing is, I can smell very sharp gross smells very acutely. Like, if someone burps, the only smell I will probably pick out is garlic. I realize it is a very strong smell, but, I won't smell the sweetness or the meatiness, or the true depth of the burp. So, I can't truly appreciate the full bouquet of the burp.
So, tonight, we went to see a friend's band play in LA. So at the venue, there was a fairly large patio area. When people started showing up, they all flocked to the patio. These girls behind us were having a normal conversation. Then some guy they knew showed up, and he was facing them, ass towards us. About 5 minutes after he showed up, a very powerful, sharp, shit smelling... smell acosted my nose. So, do you think the guy was hoping the girls wouldn't smell it? Or that there were enough people around that they wouldn't assume he dealt it? Or maybe he just didn't think it was going to smell so bad?
I remember when the movie Kingpin first came out. We went to see it at the movie theater. We went to one of those multiplexes, and we ended up in this tiny theater. The air was like broken or something. It was hot. And stuffy. And someone kept farting. Throughout the whole damn movie. Which, admittedly adds to the humor of the movie. But this guy sitting next to me kept giving me sidelong dirty looks. But I swear I didn't do it.
Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about... me. Oh yeah, that's what this fucking blog is about. A one way conversation, or a monologue.
So, my pessimism even infiltrates my sense of smell. So, I have a horribly shitty sense of smell. Which is funny, because I am a cook. It really helps a lot to have a good sense of smell in the business. The funny thing is, I can smell very sharp gross smells very acutely. Like, if someone burps, the only smell I will probably pick out is garlic. I realize it is a very strong smell, but, I won't smell the sweetness or the meatiness, or the true depth of the burp. So, I can't truly appreciate the full bouquet of the burp.
So, tonight, we went to see a friend's band play in LA. So at the venue, there was a fairly large patio area. When people started showing up, they all flocked to the patio. These girls behind us were having a normal conversation. Then some guy they knew showed up, and he was facing them, ass towards us. About 5 minutes after he showed up, a very powerful, sharp, shit smelling... smell acosted my nose. So, do you think the guy was hoping the girls wouldn't smell it? Or that there were enough people around that they wouldn't assume he dealt it? Or maybe he just didn't think it was going to smell so bad?
I remember when the movie Kingpin first came out. We went to see it at the movie theater. We went to one of those multiplexes, and we ended up in this tiny theater. The air was like broken or something. It was hot. And stuffy. And someone kept farting. Throughout the whole damn movie. Which, admittedly adds to the humor of the movie. But this guy sitting next to me kept giving me sidelong dirty looks. But I swear I didn't do it.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Who's Gonna Replace Andy Rooney?!?!
Why is it, when I open the computer to write this blog, there is always a smudge on the exact same place on the screen? It's so annoying. It's not anywhere where it would be accidentally touched, but there it is every time.
What else is annoying? A lot of stuff. Here's a list in no particular order, with no specific reference to anything or anyone in particular. So don't worry, I wasn't specifically talking about you if one of these fits your own description.
Whenever someone says, "that's my pet peeve."
People who are driving shittily, and then I notice they are on the phone. It's illegal to drive and use your phone in California, so don't do it. Oh, and you can't drive properly when you are using your phone, so don't do it.
People who block you when going to the checkout line, and then they take forever at the register because they are disputing how something was rung up or are trying to use an expired coupon, or are trying to use all their food stamps and make everyone wait while they run to get one more thing.
People who aren't aware of their spatial presence and stand in the way until you have to push by them and say excuse me, and they still don't move.
People who take their sweet time walking across a crosswalk, even though they see that they are backing up traffic.
When an episode of "Locked Up Abroad" isn't very good because the narrator is not truthful or just doesn't do a good job of telling the story.
People who don't hold up their end of a bargain, and then turn around and blame it on others.
Tape that doesn't stay on the dispenser reel properly and keeps sticking back onto the roll. Then I have to spend several minutes unpeeling it, and it rips and I end up wasting a lot of tape in the process. Oh, and the same goes for plastic wrap.
Machines that take money, and the money gets stuck in the machine and doesn't process, or the machine won't take a perfectly new, crisp, unfolded dollar bill.
Websites that have links that are expired, go to a horrible pop up advertising website, or go to a website that informs you that the particular link is available.
These rubber ponytail holders that I've had for a few months. They are supposed to be ouchless, but they are a little better than rubber bands that one would use in an office setting. I have this thing though, that I don't feel like I can buy new ones until the old pack is finished. Also, if I buy a new pack, then I'll probably get a buyer for my hair that day. Hm, maybe I should buy a new pack.
Being awakened from a deep sleep. It can be an afternoon nap or in the middle of the night, or even half an hour before I would normally wake up. I do not sleep peacefully as a general rule, so any deep sleep is bliss. If you want to see me at my absolute worst, go ahead and wake me up.
When the TV picture pixelates when I'm watching a riveting TV program. That is the worst! Even more annoying than when a video on the internet is slow in buffering, because that is expected.
The voices of the kids downstairs when they come home from the club at 1:15 am and feel the need to all congregate outside of the apartment and talk really loud. I sound like a cranky old lady! Just call me Annie Rooney. I wonder if they are looking for a replacement for Andy Rooney. I would love to have that job!!!
When I can't think of something funny to write about on the blog, which is unfortunately often.
When I don't win the lottery.
People who get away with committing felonious crimes and are proud of it.
What else is annoying? A lot of stuff. Here's a list in no particular order, with no specific reference to anything or anyone in particular. So don't worry, I wasn't specifically talking about you if one of these fits your own description.
Whenever someone says, "that's my pet peeve."
People who are driving shittily, and then I notice they are on the phone. It's illegal to drive and use your phone in California, so don't do it. Oh, and you can't drive properly when you are using your phone, so don't do it.
People who block you when going to the checkout line, and then they take forever at the register because they are disputing how something was rung up or are trying to use an expired coupon, or are trying to use all their food stamps and make everyone wait while they run to get one more thing.
People who aren't aware of their spatial presence and stand in the way until you have to push by them and say excuse me, and they still don't move.
People who take their sweet time walking across a crosswalk, even though they see that they are backing up traffic.
When an episode of "Locked Up Abroad" isn't very good because the narrator is not truthful or just doesn't do a good job of telling the story.
People who don't hold up their end of a bargain, and then turn around and blame it on others.
Tape that doesn't stay on the dispenser reel properly and keeps sticking back onto the roll. Then I have to spend several minutes unpeeling it, and it rips and I end up wasting a lot of tape in the process. Oh, and the same goes for plastic wrap.
Machines that take money, and the money gets stuck in the machine and doesn't process, or the machine won't take a perfectly new, crisp, unfolded dollar bill.
Websites that have links that are expired, go to a horrible pop up advertising website, or go to a website that informs you that the particular link is available.
These rubber ponytail holders that I've had for a few months. They are supposed to be ouchless, but they are a little better than rubber bands that one would use in an office setting. I have this thing though, that I don't feel like I can buy new ones until the old pack is finished. Also, if I buy a new pack, then I'll probably get a buyer for my hair that day. Hm, maybe I should buy a new pack.
Being awakened from a deep sleep. It can be an afternoon nap or in the middle of the night, or even half an hour before I would normally wake up. I do not sleep peacefully as a general rule, so any deep sleep is bliss. If you want to see me at my absolute worst, go ahead and wake me up.
When the TV picture pixelates when I'm watching a riveting TV program. That is the worst! Even more annoying than when a video on the internet is slow in buffering, because that is expected.
The voices of the kids downstairs when they come home from the club at 1:15 am and feel the need to all congregate outside of the apartment and talk really loud. I sound like a cranky old lady! Just call me Annie Rooney. I wonder if they are looking for a replacement for Andy Rooney. I would love to have that job!!!
When I can't think of something funny to write about on the blog, which is unfortunately often.
When I don't win the lottery.
People who get away with committing felonious crimes and are proud of it.
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