Feline Oral Squamous Cell Carcinoma

So, I'm not writing this post to make anyone sad.  It's more to explain what is happening to our cat, so that other people who might have the same experience can compare this to what they are going through.  I feel like feline renal failure is highly covered on the internets, but I can't find as much info on oral cancer.  

So, this is our cat, Stinksy.  

He is getting on 14 years.  He never really stank before, so he had kind of a facetious name.  This summer, he pretty much stopped eating and lost a lot of weight in a week.  Our other cats had passed away from renal failure, so we pretty much figured that was what was happening with Stinksy.  We took him to the vet, and they did blood tests and looked at his mouth.  He had an infected tooth, which was causing him to lose his appetite, thus he was having trouble with his kidneys because he wasn't eating.  So, he was shot up with antibiotics and B12, and we were given subcutaneous fluids (Sub-Q for short) to give to him every day.  We would need to take him in to check his progress in a week or so.

So, for those of you unfamiliar with sub q fluids, it's like sugar water.  It's an IV type bag, and you pierce the needle under the skin and pump the fluids in by hand.  This will hydrate the cat.  We had to give our other cat, The Fuzz, sub q fluids before.  She hated it, but she wasn't a fighter, so once we got the needle under her skin she didn't really struggle anymore.  Stinksy, on the other hand, would try to escape before we even stuck him, and then he would try to break away before we got enough fluids in him.  So it was a 2 person job with Stinksy.  We tried the towel burrito, but he would always squeeze his front paw out and then try to escape.  Eventually, I had to buy a kitty straight jacket.  

It has zippers in the front for the legs and a zipper on the back.  Once he was in the straight jacket he calmed down, but after about 5 minutes he would start to squirm.  As soon as we unzipped the back a little he could escape, and if the needle wasn't out of him yet, he didn't care.  So, anyway, he did get better.  The infection cleared up, he was eating again, and we didn't have to give him the fluids every day.    

So, about 5 months later, he got bad breath and his cheek was swollen.  

You can't really tell from the photo, but it was definitely swollen.  We were moving from Fort Lauderdale to New Orleans, so I waited until we got to New Orleans to take him to the vet.  The vet gave him antibiotics again, and he also prescribed him Onsior, which is an anti inflammatory.  So, the infection cleared up, again, and his breath got better.  But his cheek was still swollen.  I took Stinksy back for a follow up visit.  The vet was concerned that Stinksy's cheek hadn't shrunk back to normal, and he discovered a hole in Stinksy's mouth.  So it was more than just an infected tooth.  He suspected cancer.  The one thing thing that made all this more tricky, was that Stinksy has cardiomyopathy (enlarged heart wall) which results in a heart murmur.  Whenever using anesthesia on a cat with a heart murmur, it's a little tricky because slowing down their pulse could cause blood clots.  So, the vet referred Stinksy to a vet who was a dental specialist.

So, we saw the dental specialist.  She explained that they alter the procedure for putting under pets with a heart murmur, so that it's not so risky. She put him under and took X rays & then did a biopsy.  So, he was pretty bad off.  His bone was deteriorating, and he had tooth resorption.  So, we waited around for them to finish digging around in his mouth, then he woke up.  

He was waking up when we got him home.  He was very wobbly, yet at the same time he was trying to run around the house.  It was a little scary.  The vet had given us some opioid painkiller, so we gave it to him after an hour as prescribed and he calmed down and went to sleep.  

So, we were giving him an anti-inflammatory and the opioid as well.  He definitely ate more and slept more with those meds.  He still was spunky and jumping on tables and counters, but the only obvious problem his mouth.  One Sunday, we ran out of meds, and he wasn't eating again.  So, I got him Temptations treats, because I knew it was the one thing that he liked to eat.  So I gave them to him.  And he scarfed them down.  And then there was blood.  It was all in his mouth, and he shook his head and ran around freaked out, so the blood spattered everywhere.  I came to the realization that Stinksy could no longer ingest solid food.  So, I would have to grind the treats with chicken stock for him to eat them.

Yesterday, we took him back to the dental vet.  The biopsy had confirmed that he did indeed have oral cancer.  So, because it was so widespread and he is a small cat, treatment was not advised.  Not only would treatment probably cost as much as a car, but it would involve either chemotherapy, or surgery to take away a huge part of his jaw & his eye.  And Stinksy might still not survive more than a few more years at best.  He had lost about half a pound of weight in 2 weeks.  The tumor had not grown much, which was a little bit of a relief.  The vet gave us more of the liquid opioid, buprenorphine.  She thought about it some more, and she went to see if she could get us a fentynal patch.  This would last for 5 days and would give Stinksy continual relief.  She would have to shave some of his hair and put the patch on him.  Then after 5 days, we would have to take the patch off and flush it down the toilet.  So, we went to the CVS that the vet called.  The pharmacist who helped us looked at the prescription and said, "We don't have that in stock."  So we told her that the doctor had just called and verified that they had it.  So she asked around and found out that the patches had been put aside, so it was not listed in the inventory.  We waited while they filled the prescription.  Then we were called back up to the drop off desk, and we were told that the doctor's license was listed as expired in July.  So we went back to the vet and collected Stinksy and his buprenorphine and took him home.  

He has been pretty chill for the past 24 hours.  He has been sleeping either on his little green blankie that I put on the couch, on the bed, or upstairs in the carpeted bedroom floor.  The blood is leaking from his mouth more frequently.  He will have blood on his paws or legs, and his nose is crusted with blood and mucus.  But he still gets around fine, and he uses his litter box.  I've been buying different canned cat food and canned fish, and blending them with stock to see if Stinksy likes any one more than the others.  I want to put together a bucket list of foods he might like, because it really doesn't matter what he eats - as long as he is eating something.  So, we just have to watch him closely and decide when quality of life is not good enough for him to keep going.  The vet did suggest tube feeding - the vet would put a hole in Stinksy's trachea and we would push the food through with a syringe.  I think we both agree that we don't want to get to that point.  So, it's just a waiting game now.  

Stinksy probably doesn't have much more than a few weeks, or maybe a couple months.  It's such a difficult truth to deal with.  I've been openly talking about it for a while to prepare myself for the inevitable.  But, it's still hard to accept.  Choosing to end your pet's life is so much worse than having him pass away peacefully in his sleep.  Yet, at the same time, I feel like it's a pet parent's responsibility to do what is in the best interest of the pet - above the parent's wishes.  How do you decide when is the right time?  How do you know when a pet's suffering is greater than his will to live?  How do you willingly agree to let someone kill your pet.  Because you love him and you want his to not hurt.  

About a year and a half ago, we euthanized our other cat, The Fuzz.  It was one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my whole life.  I didn't want to ever experience it again.  Yet here we are, facing the prospect of euthanasia.  As difficult as it was to watch our other two cats - Tiki Tee and Chester - both pass away, euthanasia is worse on the soul.  But, I wouldn't trade this feeling for not having pets.  With great love comes great responsibility.  

Trees

I have a bunch of photos of trees.  I guess I've just had a lot of time on my hands this past year, and I notice the trees when walking Rudy.  They have such individuality and character.  And there are articles saying that trees form family groups and communicate with each other, and they have a symbiotic relationship with fungus.  So, here are some tree photos.  Happy New Year!  I hope you have an adventurous 2019, but that you still have time to stop and take pictures of trees!  xoxo

amputee survivor

 double tree crotch shot

shiny tree crotch & leg scar

 soulmates

cohabitation

family trees

frightening spider house

CITY PARK TREES AT NIGHT

Bayou St. John Tree Sculpture - The Music Tree

Approaching the Eiffel Tower

Notre Dame....

I couldn't capture the colors of the trees, but I'll post the photos anyway

Philippine flag in a window down the street from the Eiffel Tower

This is as close as we got.  We didn't even try to go up to the Eiffel Tower.

oui... non

So, we are here in Paris.  🇫🇷  We have been here about 28 hours.  We have not had any food that has blown our minds yet.  Somehow that has happened.  But I will show you what we have done since we got here... anyway.

This is at the hotel we are staying at... The Hoxton Hotel.  Modern, hipster (when I say hipster... I generally don't think of it in a derogatory way as some people do.  I generally agree with hipster philosophy besides the over the top pretentiousness that sometimes involved) small, clean.  They left us such a nice note & a bottle of (French!) champagne in our room for our anniversary.

The restaurant is called Rivié.  Nothing special, but there are a lot of little seating spaces in and around the courtyard.

Sea bream "ceviche"

octopus "tartare"

grilled cuttlefish with goat cheese & artichoke... sounds weird, but this was the best of the 3.  Everything was under seasoned, and not very exciting flavor wise.  They sure do a good job on the presentations though.

It was hot when we got to Paris.  The long long cab ride was hot, and herky jerky.  Not great for my motion sickness.  But I just stayed off my phone & didn't look out the side windows.  When we got there, of course our room wasn't ready.  We were 2 hours early, so we checked our bags and had lunch at the hotel.  It was not very crowded yet when we first sat.  But it got busier.  Our server had a little armpit smell, which honestly wasn't the best thing for my stomach after the hot long cab ride.  But, I thought, how very French!  A big party went & sat behind us.  They had a set menu of appetizers. The guy sitting next to us either seemed to be connected to the party or the hotel.  He was having small plates of the same food as the party - sushi rolls,  chicken skewers, samosas or phyllo things.  It was all a very interesting spread.  I guess some of our food at the restaurant would be compose a strange menu if it were all on the table at the same time... to each his own.

Here's the bar where we sat for a drink.. TFP had a cocktail, I had a good ginger beer.  We left, then found out our room wasn't ready yet... so we went back to the bar and I drank a carafe of tap water, while TFP had a pilsner.  The water here, I must say, is really good.  I read that it might be too mineral heavy for the American palate.  But I am quite enjoying it.  They just don't give big enough carafes all the time.

The best thing we had from this restaurant, I didn't take a photo of!  Later that night (after dinner) we ordered room service.  The room service menu is very small.... so we got a cheese plate & a cheeseburger.  Both were really good!  The fries were disappointing of course... although one's expectations of room service fries must be lower than ordering at the restaurant.  They did taste good, however.  The cheeses... I don't know what they were.  The blue... something like bleu d'auvergne, and the ashed goat cheese were my favorites.  The dates were so good... not so sweet as the dried ones we get, and very honey tasting.  Well, I'm not going to pile too much on because I want to nap!

Lunch for one, please

So, don't judge me.   Ok, you can because it's kinda an involuntary thing, to judge people.  I don't know why we all don't walk around with robes, gavels and maybe even wigs.  Anyway, Rudy had a quick bite, floor service (instead of table service, get it).  And yes, that is the same plate I would eat off of after being washed.

To preface this video, I might still be having residual feelings of guilt.  I almost killed this dog of mine.  

Rudy.  RuBear.  Rudy Roo.  Rudy Ruettiger.  Rudy Rudebaker.  Rudy Rutabaga.  Roodles Canoodles.  It's a Ru.  

I fuckin love this dog.  Every dog or cat or pet owner can relate.  I'm not gonna say, no, I love him more than you love your dog.  I might, or I might not.  

Anyway, yesterday morning, we drove to Flagler Drive in Flagler Village for a walk.  We met Steamboat, a pitbull of a friend who has a brewery right in the area, Invasive Species.  Big surprise, Rudy didn't like Steamboat.  So, we had a good walk.  Then we went back to the car.  I put Rudy in the back seat, & I filled the cup holder with water for him.  

Then I closed the door.  And the keys were on the passenger seat.  And the doors were locked.  And my phone was in the car.

But the door was cracked.  I tried to wedge my hand in, but it was just a crack.  

These landscapers just pulled up behind me, so I asked if I could use someone's phone.  The one guy that handed me a phone gave me an android.  And of course I didn't know how to use it.  I called TFP (my husband) and it went straight to voicemail.  He was out running.  I left a panicky message relaying the situation.  And I called again, and again, and again.  I probably called him 15 times.  I panicked even more after about 10-15 minutes, so I called 911.  They were sending the fire department.  Rudy was fine... but I was not.  He didn't really seem anxious until about 15 - 20 minutes in.  Then the phone I was using stopped working.  I think I made the data reach the limit, so I couldn't call anymore.  And I couldn't answer the phone when TFP tried to call back.  But, luckily, the firemen showed up.  They were able to open the door really quickly since it was cracked.  Of course, Rudy went ballistic.  So they got the door open, but were holding it closed until I got around to the door.  They didn't want him to lunge out and bite him, which he probably would have done.....I opened the door, and I poured more water in the cup holder.  He drank it all.  Then I refilled.  He drank that.  He drank all the water I had in the car.  It was about 25 - 30 minutes by the time the door was unlocked.  Luckily, he wasn't in direct sunlight.  I was fucking freaking out anyway.  In 6 years since we've had that car, I don't think I've ever locked the keys in the car.  Ever.

After they left, TFP called my phone, and I answered.  He came to give me $20.  So, I put the landscaper's phone back in their truck with some cash to pay for the phone bill.  And that was that.  We went home.  I gave Rudy a ton of treats and hugs.  I don't know if he really understood why.  

So, go ahead judge me all you want, if it makes you feel better.  I totally judged myself.  I ruled Guilty!

Tony Bourdain Is Dead

That's what my husband said that got me out of bed yesterday morning.  I'm sure you have all posted your opinion, your feelings on the subject.  Some may already have Tony Bourdain fatigue, while others may still be in shock and trying to understand.  The weird thing is, we had just finished watching season 2 of "13 Reasons Why" the night before.  Coupled with the suicide by hanging of Kate Spade just a few days before, it was a suicide themed week.

I won't go on a diatribe (I feel like he used that word often) about how Tony Bourdain let me down.  Or about how he was a coward, or about how it's bullshit that a hero who influenced my life could do this to me.  I'm not going to say how selfish he was.  His life was still his life to share or not to share. There seems to be an element of being a public figure that is very unselfish.

I don't understand.  No one can understand.  But maybe some can empathize.  I think about death all the time.  Maybe I think about death even more since both of my parents are gone.  When I think about death, I don't fear the end of my life.  I fear how that might come about.  I don't want a hideous horrible violent death. Most people don't.  I talk about death a lot.  For some it's a heavy topics, but for me, I don't find the topic disturbing.

I've thought about suicide.

I've had dark nights where I felt like my emotions were weighing me down so much that I would never be able to climb out of my emotional pit.  Sometimes I didn't want to climb out of that pit.  I just wanted to wallow in my ugly emotion. Sometimes I didn't want that pain to end... I wanted to hold on to it.

Sometimes, I wanted the pain to end.

I've contemplated how I would want to end my life at my own hand.  I never came up with a solution I was "happy" with.  Which way would be the least painless, the least messy, the least shocking for someone to find?  I never organized my thoughts to write a suicide note.  Surely if I were to kill myself, I would have to write a NOTE, since writing is kinda my thing, right?  I also knew that no matter how awful I felt that night, it would always be better the next day.  I knew that it might not be ok in the morning, but it would be at least incrementally better.  But it's not easy to make it to morning.  Sometimes we don't want to make it through the night.  Sometimes we don't want that human contact, that one gesture that will bring us back to society.  Maybe sometimes its the luck of the draw - having just enough time alone with our awful thoughts.  I really don't know.

I know that famous people carry a burden that non famous people can't understand and often envy.  Non famous people can also carry a burden that others can't understand.  I've been told I'm lucky, or I've had it easy, I have my shit together, I seem so stable and even keeled.  Sometimes it is true.  Sometimes it couldn't be farther than the truth.  Just because I've built an almost impenetrable wall around my deepest secrets, doesn't mean they don't exist, or that they don't affect my everyday life.  I don't have any deep revelations.  We just have to remember that in the words of Michael Stipe... everybody hurts And in the words of Elliot Wolf... be nice.  LOL - its good for you. 😘

Jokes during first period. (warning, explicit female punctuation ahead, not for fainthearted people who can't handle a little bloodlines)

And second period..
And third period...
And 4800th period🎈

In order to say you've mastered something, one of my culinary school professors said you have to do something 1000 times. I guess I've mastered the art of the period, then.

This whole blog entry started because I'm kind stress crazy. Oh & I'm on the rag. I looked in my underwear & I said to myself, I've got Scarlett Johansson in my pants.

P.  -The scarlet letter

Sometimes the toilet looks like the Red Sea. I wonder if the salinity is comparable?

During the heavy days I think, the clot thickens

On light days, I think, go with the flow

Aunt Flo always gives me a birthday present, an anniversary present, a beach day present, a wedding present.... so many occasions, how does one find the time.

What is as long as it is messy?

Why can't we just pee it out like the boys say?

Sometimes if I am taking a long time in the bathroom, I wonder if I should say, I didn't poo, I just took a long time to clean up all that blood. Then I would wink.

Fiber is good. Fibroid is bad.

Which sounds more correct, my uterus, or my meterus?

If men had periods, they would be more like a tilde (I had to google tilde - I typed in,"what is the punctuation above the Spanish n"), and women would have to help them change their tampons & pads. And think of all the chocolate fudge sundaes we would have to make for them!