Three years ago today, sometime around lunch time, my mom passed away. She spent a month in the hospital, mostly in ICU, after a stroke with hemorrhaging that wouldn't stop, before finally passing away.
That month was the most difficult time in my life. I wanted her to fight for her life. But I felt like I wasn't there enough for her. I'm not a good cheerleader. Maybe it was too much for her to look into my eyes and see the sadness and worry that I could not hide. Maybe she was just tired from her long life of taking care of others. Maybe it was just biology.
I'm tired today. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. Trying to grow a business organically when you don't have many connections is tough. Trying to muster that enthusiasm and optimism you need to continue every day is difficult. I feel it's even more difficult without my mom, my personal cheerleader, to spur me on.
I didn't cry much for a while after Katrina. There was something in me that turned off after that life changing event.
I cried all the time after my mom died. I don't cry as much anymore, but I still tear up more often than I like to admit. Sometimes, I can be having a rough day and think about how I wish I could call my mom, or I recall a moment with my mom, and I tear up. When I am alone and watching really bad sad movies, I cry. I cry as much for the lost time with my mom when she was alive, as for the loss of her life. The last few years she was alive, not only was I far away by miles, but also by involvement in her life. At the funeral, there were so many unfamiliar faces. Some of those people knew more about my mom and her life after retirement than I did.
My mom's passing away is such a personal thing. I feel like everyone who knew and loved her has their own way of dealing with her death, their own memories and stories. To be in a room full of her loved ones and to hear stories, a stranger would think she was a fictional character. But she was real.
She wasn't perfect, but she could be selfless to a fault. Even with the little things. I remember she loved coffee ice cream. When I was a kid, we would usually buy a couple different flavors of ice cream. I would eat the flavor I chose in no time. Then we would be left with the coffee ice cream. I didn't like it as much as she did, but I would usually eat most of it, not leaving much for her. I know I was a kid, but when I look bad on things like that, I feel like there were too many times when I didn't appreciate my mom enough when she was alive, and reciprocate the selflessness that she showed me.
Mother's Day has passed, but every day, I think of my mom. But for today, I will think of her only with good feelings and only remember the positive. I think that is what she would want from me. And for me to pray.
These are the last pictures I have with her.
